Saturday, January 3, 2015

Finding Your Dominant, Part Three

You’ve been waiting, so let’s get down to the meat and bones of it, shall we?

It can be hard to find a play partner, Dominant, top, Master, submissive, bottom, whomever you’re looking for, in some areas. It’s hard enough as it is without the area you live in factored in. Even if you live in a very large, open community, it’s still hard to connect. So let’s go over a few ways you can do that. Some of these you’ve probably come up with on your own, but maybe I’ve got a few here that will help.

One place you can do that is Craigslist.

But please don’t.

So let’s see if we can find you some places to look that will be a little better than that. And if not, well, here we go.

As the realtors all say . . .

Craigslist and other local personal ads and boards

As I said before, please, just don’t. But if you just have to, you should follow some basic guidelines.

If you have a local paper, you might want to check their personal ads. There is the remotest possibility that you might actually find someone that way. Very remote. But give it a go. You’d be surprised at who you might find there. Of course, there is the always-difficult task of bringing up the subject, and regardless that they’re right near you, you’ll still need to follow the same safety procedures. As for introducing the idea of kink? We’ll get to that later.

Look for ads that mention wanting someone strong, intelligent and decisive. Fun and playful are good descriptions too, but they can carry meanings you don’t want. When you contact this person, do not come right out and ask if they would want a relationship that includes D/s, M/s, TPE, or any other kind of kink or play. Lots of guys would jump on that even if they didn’t really know what it meant. Be cautious. Then follow all of the safety guidelines already laid out, and more if you know of some that would help.

You might even think about putting out your own personal ad. Open an email account with an online provider specifically for this purpose. Then interact with anyone who contacts you and see what you think.

Once you’ve had a chance to get to know this person a little, ask if they’re into any particular lifestyles that you might be interested in. If they’re kinky, they’ll know what you’re talking about. If not, they may say boating, or softball, or NASCAR. That means they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. You can broach the subject, but be very careful, as I stated before. You want them to throw the idea out to you, not give them ideas that they possibly didn’t have before. You’re not in a position to train a Dominant. That’s not what you need. So move on.


Fetlife is one of your better alternatives. If all you’re really looking for is an LDR, Fetlife is the place. You’ll be able to find someone there and, if they don’t work out, you can just look for another. Yeah, I don’t put a lot of stock in LDRs, but it is what it is, although it’s a great way to get your feet wet and get some experience before you launch into a real-life relationship.

But remember: There are creeps on Fetlife too, lots of them. I had a run-in with one last weekend. You might get lucky the first time, who knows? Again, if you get a chance to meet this person in the flesh, follow the safety rules. But there’s a much, much better way to meet someone on Fetlife. Hint: If his profile pic is his penis? Nah. Keep scrolling.

Look for a local munch. They have boards on Fetlife where local gatherings are listed. If you don’t know what a munch is, here’s a crash course. I won’t give you the history; just know that it’s a getting-to-know-each-other get-together within the kink community. Munches are usually held at restaurants. Fetwear is discouraged, since it’s a public gathering and maintaining the confidentiality of the other members is important. This is the best possible place to meet someone within the kink community. While it’s true that many areas, especially smaller or bible-belt areas, don’t have a community that has those kinds of gatherings, you can usually find one a few miles away. Traveling a few hours might even be a good idea; close enough to get to know them, far enough away to retreat if you sense anything hinky going down.

So go to the munch. If asked, make it crystal clear what you’re looking for. These are the people you should be able to do that with. Don’t be overbearing, but do be outgoing if you can manage it through your nervousness. You’ll pick up on the dynamic pretty quickly. If there seems to be a person who’s the group “leader,” you might even ask that person if you could talk with them privately sometime to let them know what you’re about and ask if there’s anyone in the group who might meet that criteria and might also be interested. They can be great guides.

Mutual friends

This is the absolute best way to find someone who can meet your needs. Just like with any other relationship, meeting someone through friends is safer and you stand a better chance of finding the right person (not to mention the safety factor). If you’re really close friends, you might want to confide in them regarding your actual wishes. If you live in an area like mine, however, you won’t want to say a damn thing. In that instance, you’ll want to find a way to talk about your desires. As I said before, we’ll get to that later.

Do know, however, that if you try to get in a hurry and introduce the idea to a friend-matched date too soon, you run the risk of everyone in your social circle finding out that you asked for kink. And while that sounds like a bad thing, it could just work to your advantage!

Regular dates with suggestions

You can always just go through the regular “dating” channels. It is true, however, that finding someone on an internet dating site might be far easier. In the relative comfort of anonymity, one can ask things of another that they might not be able to ask in person, so give that some thought. The wise thing to do might be to create a dating profile with a fictitious name and use that until you find someone who seems compatible and comfortably kinky. Then come clean: Tell them that you were using a name other than your own for safety purposes. Anyone who couldn’t understand that is an idiot and not worth your time. If the individual is a true Dominant, they’ll more than understand; they’ll be glad you were being cautious until you could trust them. Your safety and health will be their top concern. But be careful about the "suggestions." More about that in a few.


If you live in an area where there are lifestyle events, those could be a good place to look, although the possibility of finding someone there is remote. If you can get yourself invited to a play party through a munch, then go. And if you run into a good possibility for a play partner there, pursue it – if that’s what you’re looking for. Even if the event is something that's put together for a purpose other than yours - say it's a gay pride event - it still has the potential to draw out people who are more open-minded when it comes to sex. And that can be a plus for you.

The hard part

Yes, there is a hard part. There's always a hard part. So let’s talk about that.

If you’ve determined what you want, that might make it a little easier. If you’ve decided that all you want is a play partner (or string of play partners), that is the easiest possible role to fill. Since you’re not looking for an emotional attachment to this person, or if so, just a friendship kind of connection, it will be simple to just lay it all out there. Saying something like, “You need to know up front that I have unusual needs and you may or may not be willing to meet them,” or, “I tend to lean to the kinky side,” may be the best way to approach it. They’ll expect that if you meet them within the community; if not, be clear that all you’re looking for is the physical aspect of a relationship. If they’re actually looking for a long-term partner, they’ll either go into it knowing that you’re not, or they’ll pass altogether. In that instance, keep looking. And if you’re looking for nothing but non-emotionally-attached play partners, you’ll be looking for more than one anyway, am I right?

Also, being crystal clear about what you’re looking for is crucial. If you’re not looking for sex but rather discipline or punishment, any potential play partner needs to know that up front. And no, it’s not always about sex. An experienced kinkster already knows that, though.

If, however, you’re looking for a long-term relationship complete with emotional connection and true partnership, it becomes a little trickier. Things become difficult when you’re trying to forge a relationship with someone whose kinky proclivities are in question. But you have a powerful tool in your arsenal. Any idea what that might be?

Humor. It’s time to pull out some old, stale jokes and try them out. You’d be surprised what that can accomplish. A comment like, “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I got tied up. Not literally, though. I save that for bedtime,” can be an icebreaker. Insert the appropriate snicker, and see what kind of response you get. If they stare at you like a deer in headlights, that’s probably a bad sign. If, however, they respond with a joke of their own, you may be onto something.

Working good, seemingly-benign questions into a conversation helps too. Perhaps you can get them to start to talk about music, movies, and books, and then ask, “So what kind of books do you like?” When they ask you about your taste in books in return (and if they don’t, they’re a self-absorbed bastard who doesn’t deserve someone as nice as you), tell them that you read a lot of erotica or erotic romance, or perhaps say, “The last thing I read? Um, I think it was Fifty Shades of Grey and I really, really liked it.” That’s enough to give them the hint. If they’re appalled, you’re not on the right track. If they say something like, “That’s cool,” then you can always counter with, “Have you ever read anything like that?” and see what they say. If, however, they say, “That was a pitiful example of the BDSM lifestyle,” then BINGO! You’ve hit the jackpot. Pursue, pursue, pursue. You might not get another chance that clear-cut and easy.

If you say, “Which adult store here is the best?” and you get, “I don’t know. Want to go check them out?” you might have something you can work with. If he can answer the original question in three seconds, there’s an even better possibility. If, however, he wrinkles his nose and says, “I’d never go into a place like that,” just try to have a nice time for the rest of the evening and then don’t make another date. Unless, of course, he says, “I’d never go into a place like that. I have a great online supplier of all things kinky.” And then, my friend, you’re ready to rock.

But I will warn you: If you’re a Domme looking for someone to top, your job is going to be twice as difficult. Unless they’ve already got that desire, you’ll have trouble getting a guy to let you top him. Why? Because vanilla guys think that’s a sign of weakness, and they’re never going to let you experiment with that. End of story. It takes a guy who’s very, very secure in his masculinity to admit to those desires. If you find one, you’d better hang onto him.

The Guy in Your Bed

If you’re interested in the lifestyle but you’re already attached and he’s hopelessly vanilla, you’ve got a decision to make. Is this important enough to you to cut him loose and look elsewhere? Or do you love him enough to just go on your vanilla way? If you try to pursue kink on the sly and you get caught (and you WILL get caught), you may wind up cut loose even if that’s not what you want, so know that when you go out looking for someone to help you get your groove on, fetish lifestyle-speaking.

If he seems interested, however, a word of caution: Do NOT buy bondage porn to show to him. Bondage porn tends to be the extreme end of bondage and it will NOT help your case. At all. Period. It will scare the shit out of him and he’ll run for the hills. Instead, accompany him to the local adult store and explore the toys, tools, and implements available there. Let him pick out something he thinks he could use in play. Don’t be heavy-handed; it’s his time for exploration, and you can help to guide, but don’t be bossy. If you’re the Domme in the relationship, showing him the various implements and helping him to understand that he’ll always have a safe out if it’s too intense can help him give you input as to what he’s willing to try.

A word of caution

I hinted at this earlier, and now I have to say it straight out: Be careful. How you ask about their sexual preferences is very, very tricky. You can find a Dom in about ten minutes if you say, “I love to be tied up and spanked.” Most guys will jump on that bandwagon. It sounds sexy and fun, and they may not have ever been with a woman who would let them even try something like that.
That does not make them a Dominant.

So if you give them that “suggestion,” you may very well wind up with someone right away who won’t be able to meet your needs in the long run because he was never really a Dom. Oh, yeah, he may be able to keep it up for awhile, but the first time he says, “Oh, no, I don’t feel like doing that shit tonight,” well, you’ve just hit the wall. Don’t put ideas in some guy’s head if he doesn’t already have them. That’s just asking for trouble or, at the very least, disappointment. And better to be disappointed fifteen minutes into the first date than six months into a relationship where you’ve got an emotional investment, not to mention the time you’ve put in.

Worse yet, they could have an abusive side that you haven’t picked up on. And, trust me, bound by the wrists and ankles and being torn up by someone who will insist you “asked for it” in a court of law is the wrong time to find that out.

In other words, play your cards tight to the vest. Know a little bit about them before you play that hand. Tipping the cards could pay off, or it could be a huge mistake.


I hope I’ve given you some ideas and some places to start looking. This is not an overnight process; the chances of you finding a top or bottom in the next two weeks is slim. But if you don’t start now, it’ll be even longer. So begin today. Take some time to sit down and try to map out a strategy. And keep me up to date on your progress. I’d love to know what you find.



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