You’ve been waiting, so let’s get down to the meat and bones
of it, shall we?
It can be hard to find a play partner, Dominant, top,
Master, submissive, bottom, whomever you’re looking for, in some areas. It’s
hard enough as it is without the area you live in factored in. Even if you live
in a very large, open community, it’s still hard to connect. So let’s go over a
few ways you can do that. Some of these you’ve probably come up with on your
own, but maybe I’ve got a few here that will help.
One place you can do that is Craigslist.
But please don’t.
So let’s see if we can find you some places to look that
will be a little better than that. And if not, well, here we go.
As the realtors all say . . .
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Craigslist and other local personal ads and boards
As I said before, please, just don’t. But if you just have
to, you should follow some basic guidelines.
If you have a local paper, you might want to check their
personal ads. There is the remotest possibility that you might actually find
someone that way. Very remote. But give it a go. You’d be surprised at who you
might find there. Of course, there is the always-difficult task of bringing up
the subject, and regardless that they’re right near you, you’ll still need to
follow the same safety procedures. As for introducing the idea of kink? We’ll
get to that later.
Look for ads that mention wanting someone strong,
intelligent and decisive. Fun and playful are good descriptions too, but they
can carry meanings you don’t want. When you contact this person, do not come
right out and ask if they would want a relationship that includes D/s, M/s,
TPE, or any other kind of kink or play. Lots of guys would jump on that even if
they didn’t really know what it meant. Be cautious. Then follow all of the
safety guidelines already laid out, and more if you know of some that would
help.
You might even think about putting out your own personal ad.
Open an email account with an online provider specifically for this purpose.
Then interact with anyone who contacts you and see what you think.
Once you’ve had a chance to get to know this person a
little, ask if they’re into any particular lifestyles that you might be
interested in. If they’re kinky, they’ll know what you’re talking about. If
not, they may say boating, or softball, or NASCAR. That means they don’t have
any idea what you’re talking about. You can broach the subject, but be very
careful, as I stated before. You want them to throw the idea out to you, not give them ideas that they possibly didn’t have before. You’re not
in a position to train a Dominant. That’s not what you need. So move on.
Fetlife
Fetlife is one of your better alternatives. If all you’re
really looking for is an LDR, Fetlife is the place. You’ll be able to find
someone there and, if they don’t work out, you can just look for another. Yeah,
I don’t put a lot of stock in LDRs, but it is what it is, although it’s a great
way to get your feet wet and get some experience before you launch into a
real-life relationship.
But remember: There are creeps on Fetlife too, lots of them.
I had a run-in with one last weekend. You might get lucky the first time, who
knows? Again, if you get a chance to meet this person in the flesh, follow the
safety rules. But there’s a much, much better way to meet someone on Fetlife.
Hint: If his profile pic is his penis? Nah. Keep scrolling.
Look for a local munch. They have boards on Fetlife where
local gatherings are listed. If you don’t know what a munch is, here’s a crash
course. I won’t give you the history; just know that it’s a
getting-to-know-each-other get-together within the kink community. Munches are
usually held at restaurants. Fetwear is discouraged, since it’s a public
gathering and maintaining the confidentiality of the other members is
important. This is the best possible place to meet someone within the kink
community. While it’s true that many areas, especially smaller or bible-belt
areas, don’t have a community that has those kinds of gatherings, you can
usually find one a few miles away. Traveling a few hours might even be a good
idea; close enough to get to know them, far enough away to retreat if you sense
anything hinky going down.
So go to the munch. If asked, make it crystal clear what
you’re looking for. These are the people you should be able to do that with.
Don’t be overbearing, but do be outgoing if you can manage it through your
nervousness. You’ll pick up on the dynamic pretty quickly. If there seems to be
a person who’s the group “leader,” you might even ask that person if you could
talk with them privately sometime to let them know what you’re about and ask if
there’s anyone in the group who might meet that criteria and might also be
interested. They can be great guides.
Mutual friends
This is the absolute best way to find someone who can meet
your needs. Just like with any other relationship, meeting someone through
friends is safer and you stand a better chance of finding the right person (not
to mention the safety factor). If you’re really close friends, you might want
to confide in them regarding your actual wishes. If you live in an area like
mine, however, you won’t want to say a damn thing. In that instance, you’ll
want to find a way to talk about your desires. As I said before, we’ll get to
that later.
Do know, however, that if you try to get in a hurry and introduce the idea to a friend-matched date too soon, you run the risk of everyone in your social circle finding out that you asked for kink. And while that sounds like a bad thing, it could just work to your advantage!
Regular dates with suggestions
You can always just go through the regular “dating”
channels. It is true, however, that finding someone on an internet dating site
might be far easier. In the relative comfort of anonymity, one can ask things
of another that they might not be able to ask in person, so give that some
thought. The wise thing to do might be to create a dating profile with a
fictitious name and use that until you find someone who seems compatible and
comfortably kinky. Then come clean: Tell them that you were using a name other
than your own for safety purposes. Anyone who couldn’t understand that is an
idiot and not worth your time. If the individual is a true Dominant, they’ll
more than understand; they’ll be glad you were being cautious until you could trust
them. Your safety and health will be their top concern. But be careful about the "suggestions." More about that in a few.
Events
If you live in an area where there are lifestyle events, those
could be a good place to look, although the possibility of finding someone
there is remote. If you can get yourself invited to a play party through a
munch, then go. And if you run into a good possibility for a play partner
there, pursue it – if that’s what you’re looking for. Even if the event is something that's put together for a purpose other than yours - say it's a gay pride event - it still has the potential to draw out people who are more open-minded when it comes to sex. And that can be a plus for you.
The hard part
Yes, there is a hard part. There's always a hard part. So let’s talk about that.
If you’ve determined what you want, that might make it a
little easier. If you’ve decided that all you want is a play partner (or string
of play partners), that is the easiest possible role to fill. Since you’re not
looking for an emotional attachment to this person, or if so, just a friendship
kind of connection, it will be simple to just lay it all out there. Saying something
like, “You need to know up front that I have unusual needs and you may or may
not be willing to meet them,” or, “I tend to lean to the kinky side,” may be
the best way to approach it. They’ll expect that if you meet them within the
community; if not, be clear that all you’re looking for is the physical aspect
of a relationship. If they’re actually looking for a long-term partner, they’ll
either go into it knowing that you’re not, or they’ll pass altogether. In that
instance, keep looking. And if you’re looking for nothing but
non-emotionally-attached play partners, you’ll be looking for more than one anyway, am I right?
Also, being crystal clear about what you’re looking for is
crucial. If you’re not looking for
sex but rather discipline or punishment, any potential play partner needs to
know that up front. And no, it’s not always about sex. An experienced kinkster
already knows that, though.
If, however, you’re looking for a long-term relationship
complete with emotional connection and true partnership, it becomes a little
trickier. Things become difficult when you’re trying to forge a relationship
with someone whose kinky proclivities are in question. But you have a powerful
tool in your arsenal. Any idea what that might be?
Humor. It’s time to pull out some old, stale jokes and try
them out. You’d be surprised what that can accomplish. A comment like, “I’m
sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I got tied up. Not literally, though.
I save that for bedtime,” can be an icebreaker. Insert the appropriate snicker,
and see what kind of response you get. If they stare at you like a deer in
headlights, that’s probably a bad sign. If, however, they respond with a joke
of their own, you may be onto something.
Working good, seemingly-benign questions into a
conversation helps too. Perhaps you can get them to start to talk about music,
movies, and books, and then ask, “So what kind of books do you like?” When they
ask you about your taste in books in return (and if they don’t, they’re a
self-absorbed bastard who doesn’t deserve someone as nice as you), tell them
that you read a lot of erotica or erotic romance, or perhaps say, “The last thing
I read? Um, I think it was Fifty Shades
of Grey and I really, really liked it.” That’s enough to give them the
hint. If they’re appalled, you’re not on the right track. If they say something
like, “That’s cool,” then you can always counter with, “Have you ever read
anything like that?” and see what they say. If, however, they say, “That was a
pitiful example of the BDSM lifestyle,” then BINGO! You’ve hit the jackpot.
Pursue, pursue, pursue. You might not get another chance that clear-cut and
easy.
If you say, “Which adult store here is the best?” and you
get, “I don’t know. Want to go check them out?” you might have something you
can work with. If he can answer the original question in three seconds, there’s
an even better possibility. If, however, he wrinkles his nose and says, “I’d
never go into a place like that,” just try to have a nice time for the rest of
the evening and then don’t make another date. Unless, of course, he says, “I’d
never go into a place like that. I have a great online supplier of all things
kinky.” And then, my friend, you’re ready to rock.
But I will warn you: If you’re a Domme looking for someone
to top, your job is going to be twice as difficult. Unless they’ve already got
that desire, you’ll have trouble getting a guy to let you top him. Why? Because
vanilla guys think that’s a sign of weakness, and they’re never going to let
you experiment with that. End of story. It takes a guy who’s very, very secure
in his masculinity to admit to those desires. If you find one, you’d better
hang onto him.
The Guy in Your Bed
If you’re interested in the lifestyle but you’re already
attached and he’s hopelessly vanilla, you’ve got a decision to make. Is this
important enough to you to cut him loose and look elsewhere? Or do you love him
enough to just go on your vanilla way? If you try to pursue kink on the sly and
you get caught (and you WILL get caught), you may wind up cut loose even if
that’s not what you want, so know that when you go out looking for someone to
help you get your groove on, fetish lifestyle-speaking.
If he seems interested, however, a word of caution: Do NOT
buy bondage porn to show to him. Bondage porn tends to be the extreme end of
bondage and it will NOT help your case. At all. Period. It will scare the shit
out of him and he’ll run for the hills. Instead, accompany him to the local
adult store and explore the toys, tools, and implements available there. Let
him pick out something he thinks he could use in play. Don’t be heavy-handed;
it’s his time for exploration, and you can help to guide, but don’t be bossy. If
you’re the Domme in the relationship, showing him the various implements and
helping him to understand that he’ll always have a safe out if it’s too intense
can help him give you input as to what he’s willing to try.
A word of caution
I hinted at this earlier, and now I have to say it straight
out: Be careful. How you ask about their sexual preferences is very, very
tricky. You can find a Dom in about ten minutes if you say, “I love to be tied
up and spanked.” Most guys will jump on that bandwagon. It sounds sexy and fun,
and they may not have ever been with a woman who would let them even try
something like that.
That does not make them a Dominant.
So if you give them that “suggestion,” you may very well wind
up with someone right away who won’t be able to meet your needs in the long run
because he was never really a Dom. Oh, yeah, he may be able to keep it up for
awhile, but the first time he says, “Oh, no, I don’t feel like doing that shit
tonight,” well, you’ve just hit the wall. Don’t put ideas in some guy’s head if
he doesn’t already have them. That’s just asking for trouble or, at the very
least, disappointment. And better to be disappointed fifteen minutes into the
first date than six months into a relationship where you’ve got an emotional
investment, not to mention the time you’ve put in.
Worse yet, they could have an abusive side that you haven’t
picked up on. And, trust me, bound by the wrists and ankles and being torn up
by someone who will insist you “asked for it” in a court of law is the wrong
time to find that out.
In other words, play your cards tight to the vest. Know a
little bit about them before you play that hand. Tipping the cards could pay
off, or it could be a huge mistake.
I hope I’ve given you some ideas and some places to start
looking. This is not an overnight process; the chances of you finding a top or
bottom in the next two weeks is slim. But if you don’t start now, it’ll be even
longer. So begin today. Take some time to sit down and try to map out a
strategy. And keep me up to date on your progress. I’d love to know what you find.
Hugs,
Deanndra
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