Saturday, January 3, 2015

Finding Your Dominant, Part Three

You’ve been waiting, so let’s get down to the meat and bones of it, shall we?

It can be hard to find a play partner, Dominant, top, Master, submissive, bottom, whomever you’re looking for, in some areas. It’s hard enough as it is without the area you live in factored in. Even if you live in a very large, open community, it’s still hard to connect. So let’s go over a few ways you can do that. Some of these you’ve probably come up with on your own, but maybe I’ve got a few here that will help.

One place you can do that is Craigslist.

But please don’t.

So let’s see if we can find you some places to look that will be a little better than that. And if not, well, here we go.

As the realtors all say . . .

Craigslist and other local personal ads and boards

As I said before, please, just don’t. But if you just have to, you should follow some basic guidelines.

If you have a local paper, you might want to check their personal ads. There is the remotest possibility that you might actually find someone that way. Very remote. But give it a go. You’d be surprised at who you might find there. Of course, there is the always-difficult task of bringing up the subject, and regardless that they’re right near you, you’ll still need to follow the same safety procedures. As for introducing the idea of kink? We’ll get to that later.

Look for ads that mention wanting someone strong, intelligent and decisive. Fun and playful are good descriptions too, but they can carry meanings you don’t want. When you contact this person, do not come right out and ask if they would want a relationship that includes D/s, M/s, TPE, or any other kind of kink or play. Lots of guys would jump on that even if they didn’t really know what it meant. Be cautious. Then follow all of the safety guidelines already laid out, and more if you know of some that would help.

You might even think about putting out your own personal ad. Open an email account with an online provider specifically for this purpose. Then interact with anyone who contacts you and see what you think.

Once you’ve had a chance to get to know this person a little, ask if they’re into any particular lifestyles that you might be interested in. If they’re kinky, they’ll know what you’re talking about. If not, they may say boating, or softball, or NASCAR. That means they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. You can broach the subject, but be very careful, as I stated before. You want them to throw the idea out to you, not give them ideas that they possibly didn’t have before. You’re not in a position to train a Dominant. That’s not what you need. So move on.


Fetlife is one of your better alternatives. If all you’re really looking for is an LDR, Fetlife is the place. You’ll be able to find someone there and, if they don’t work out, you can just look for another. Yeah, I don’t put a lot of stock in LDRs, but it is what it is, although it’s a great way to get your feet wet and get some experience before you launch into a real-life relationship.

But remember: There are creeps on Fetlife too, lots of them. I had a run-in with one last weekend. You might get lucky the first time, who knows? Again, if you get a chance to meet this person in the flesh, follow the safety rules. But there’s a much, much better way to meet someone on Fetlife. Hint: If his profile pic is his penis? Nah. Keep scrolling.

Look for a local munch. They have boards on Fetlife where local gatherings are listed. If you don’t know what a munch is, here’s a crash course. I won’t give you the history; just know that it’s a getting-to-know-each-other get-together within the kink community. Munches are usually held at restaurants. Fetwear is discouraged, since it’s a public gathering and maintaining the confidentiality of the other members is important. This is the best possible place to meet someone within the kink community. While it’s true that many areas, especially smaller or bible-belt areas, don’t have a community that has those kinds of gatherings, you can usually find one a few miles away. Traveling a few hours might even be a good idea; close enough to get to know them, far enough away to retreat if you sense anything hinky going down.

So go to the munch. If asked, make it crystal clear what you’re looking for. These are the people you should be able to do that with. Don’t be overbearing, but do be outgoing if you can manage it through your nervousness. You’ll pick up on the dynamic pretty quickly. If there seems to be a person who’s the group “leader,” you might even ask that person if you could talk with them privately sometime to let them know what you’re about and ask if there’s anyone in the group who might meet that criteria and might also be interested. They can be great guides.

Mutual friends

This is the absolute best way to find someone who can meet your needs. Just like with any other relationship, meeting someone through friends is safer and you stand a better chance of finding the right person (not to mention the safety factor). If you’re really close friends, you might want to confide in them regarding your actual wishes. If you live in an area like mine, however, you won’t want to say a damn thing. In that instance, you’ll want to find a way to talk about your desires. As I said before, we’ll get to that later.

Do know, however, that if you try to get in a hurry and introduce the idea to a friend-matched date too soon, you run the risk of everyone in your social circle finding out that you asked for kink. And while that sounds like a bad thing, it could just work to your advantage!

Regular dates with suggestions

You can always just go through the regular “dating” channels. It is true, however, that finding someone on an internet dating site might be far easier. In the relative comfort of anonymity, one can ask things of another that they might not be able to ask in person, so give that some thought. The wise thing to do might be to create a dating profile with a fictitious name and use that until you find someone who seems compatible and comfortably kinky. Then come clean: Tell them that you were using a name other than your own for safety purposes. Anyone who couldn’t understand that is an idiot and not worth your time. If the individual is a true Dominant, they’ll more than understand; they’ll be glad you were being cautious until you could trust them. Your safety and health will be their top concern. But be careful about the "suggestions." More about that in a few.


If you live in an area where there are lifestyle events, those could be a good place to look, although the possibility of finding someone there is remote. If you can get yourself invited to a play party through a munch, then go. And if you run into a good possibility for a play partner there, pursue it – if that’s what you’re looking for. Even if the event is something that's put together for a purpose other than yours - say it's a gay pride event - it still has the potential to draw out people who are more open-minded when it comes to sex. And that can be a plus for you.

The hard part

Yes, there is a hard part. There's always a hard part. So let’s talk about that.

If you’ve determined what you want, that might make it a little easier. If you’ve decided that all you want is a play partner (or string of play partners), that is the easiest possible role to fill. Since you’re not looking for an emotional attachment to this person, or if so, just a friendship kind of connection, it will be simple to just lay it all out there. Saying something like, “You need to know up front that I have unusual needs and you may or may not be willing to meet them,” or, “I tend to lean to the kinky side,” may be the best way to approach it. They’ll expect that if you meet them within the community; if not, be clear that all you’re looking for is the physical aspect of a relationship. If they’re actually looking for a long-term partner, they’ll either go into it knowing that you’re not, or they’ll pass altogether. In that instance, keep looking. And if you’re looking for nothing but non-emotionally-attached play partners, you’ll be looking for more than one anyway, am I right?

Also, being crystal clear about what you’re looking for is crucial. If you’re not looking for sex but rather discipline or punishment, any potential play partner needs to know that up front. And no, it’s not always about sex. An experienced kinkster already knows that, though.

If, however, you’re looking for a long-term relationship complete with emotional connection and true partnership, it becomes a little trickier. Things become difficult when you’re trying to forge a relationship with someone whose kinky proclivities are in question. But you have a powerful tool in your arsenal. Any idea what that might be?

Humor. It’s time to pull out some old, stale jokes and try them out. You’d be surprised what that can accomplish. A comment like, “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I got tied up. Not literally, though. I save that for bedtime,” can be an icebreaker. Insert the appropriate snicker, and see what kind of response you get. If they stare at you like a deer in headlights, that’s probably a bad sign. If, however, they respond with a joke of their own, you may be onto something.

Working good, seemingly-benign questions into a conversation helps too. Perhaps you can get them to start to talk about music, movies, and books, and then ask, “So what kind of books do you like?” When they ask you about your taste in books in return (and if they don’t, they’re a self-absorbed bastard who doesn’t deserve someone as nice as you), tell them that you read a lot of erotica or erotic romance, or perhaps say, “The last thing I read? Um, I think it was Fifty Shades of Grey and I really, really liked it.” That’s enough to give them the hint. If they’re appalled, you’re not on the right track. If they say something like, “That’s cool,” then you can always counter with, “Have you ever read anything like that?” and see what they say. If, however, they say, “That was a pitiful example of the BDSM lifestyle,” then BINGO! You’ve hit the jackpot. Pursue, pursue, pursue. You might not get another chance that clear-cut and easy.

If you say, “Which adult store here is the best?” and you get, “I don’t know. Want to go check them out?” you might have something you can work with. If he can answer the original question in three seconds, there’s an even better possibility. If, however, he wrinkles his nose and says, “I’d never go into a place like that,” just try to have a nice time for the rest of the evening and then don’t make another date. Unless, of course, he says, “I’d never go into a place like that. I have a great online supplier of all things kinky.” And then, my friend, you’re ready to rock.

But I will warn you: If you’re a Domme looking for someone to top, your job is going to be twice as difficult. Unless they’ve already got that desire, you’ll have trouble getting a guy to let you top him. Why? Because vanilla guys think that’s a sign of weakness, and they’re never going to let you experiment with that. End of story. It takes a guy who’s very, very secure in his masculinity to admit to those desires. If you find one, you’d better hang onto him.

The Guy in Your Bed

If you’re interested in the lifestyle but you’re already attached and he’s hopelessly vanilla, you’ve got a decision to make. Is this important enough to you to cut him loose and look elsewhere? Or do you love him enough to just go on your vanilla way? If you try to pursue kink on the sly and you get caught (and you WILL get caught), you may wind up cut loose even if that’s not what you want, so know that when you go out looking for someone to help you get your groove on, fetish lifestyle-speaking.

If he seems interested, however, a word of caution: Do NOT buy bondage porn to show to him. Bondage porn tends to be the extreme end of bondage and it will NOT help your case. At all. Period. It will scare the shit out of him and he’ll run for the hills. Instead, accompany him to the local adult store and explore the toys, tools, and implements available there. Let him pick out something he thinks he could use in play. Don’t be heavy-handed; it’s his time for exploration, and you can help to guide, but don’t be bossy. If you’re the Domme in the relationship, showing him the various implements and helping him to understand that he’ll always have a safe out if it’s too intense can help him give you input as to what he’s willing to try.

A word of caution

I hinted at this earlier, and now I have to say it straight out: Be careful. How you ask about their sexual preferences is very, very tricky. You can find a Dom in about ten minutes if you say, “I love to be tied up and spanked.” Most guys will jump on that bandwagon. It sounds sexy and fun, and they may not have ever been with a woman who would let them even try something like that.
That does not make them a Dominant.

So if you give them that “suggestion,” you may very well wind up with someone right away who won’t be able to meet your needs in the long run because he was never really a Dom. Oh, yeah, he may be able to keep it up for awhile, but the first time he says, “Oh, no, I don’t feel like doing that shit tonight,” well, you’ve just hit the wall. Don’t put ideas in some guy’s head if he doesn’t already have them. That’s just asking for trouble or, at the very least, disappointment. And better to be disappointed fifteen minutes into the first date than six months into a relationship where you’ve got an emotional investment, not to mention the time you’ve put in.

Worse yet, they could have an abusive side that you haven’t picked up on. And, trust me, bound by the wrists and ankles and being torn up by someone who will insist you “asked for it” in a court of law is the wrong time to find that out.

In other words, play your cards tight to the vest. Know a little bit about them before you play that hand. Tipping the cards could pay off, or it could be a huge mistake.


I hope I’ve given you some ideas and some places to start looking. This is not an overnight process; the chances of you finding a top or bottom in the next two weeks is slim. But if you don’t start now, it’ll be even longer. So begin today. Take some time to sit down and try to map out a strategy. And keep me up to date on your progress. I’d love to know what you find.



Friday, January 2, 2015


Tomorrow . . . still looking for that Dom? Well, there'll be ideas here tomorrow for how you might be able to find him (or her, if that's your thing). But now: Ever wanted a chance to win a Kindle? We're giving away THREE! Go in and enter. Not only will the Kindles be given away, but they'll have four of my books loaded on them. It's your chance to win a nice prize AND to get started in three of my series. And while you're here, sign up for my newsletter, wouldja? Thanks!

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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Finding Your Dominant, Part Two

Last week I promised you that we’d talk this week about how to find yourself a Dominant. If you’re sure you’re ready, here we go.

If you’ll recall I asked you to make some lists and think about some things. One of the things I asked you to do was to decide exactly what it was you wanted in the way of a D/s relationship. I also asked you to make a list of the things you’d want or expect. Let’s tackle the relationship first.

If you looked at the issue of the type of relationship you’d want and you drew some firm conclusions, great. If not, I’d suggest that you try again. You need to know exactly what you want before you go looking. It’s not like a car; there aren’t thousands of options out there and you have to figure out which one you want. Before you think I’m wrong about that, remember: A car can’t choose whether or not it wants YOU as an owner. A potential Dominant is going to have to decide if you’re a good fit for him, so  you’d better be clear about everything in your own mind before you go mucking around in someone else’s. Did you decide that you want something full-time? Just the bedroom? Live in a difficult area in which to be different? All of these are factors.

By the way, before we go any farther, if you are not a member of Fetlife, I’d suggest that you get on there and join right now. Like yesterday. Fetlife is the largest – and safest – fetish community on the Internet, and it could be a great resource for you. Yes, it could help you find someone to hook up with, but I hope you won’t see it that way. As a hook-up site, it’s no better than Craigslist. But there are lots of people there who can answer questions for you, give you ideas, things like that, and you can meet people with similar kink to yours and explore things you’d never thought about before. You won’t feel quite so alone. Go to Gmail or Hotmail or Outlook or one of the other email hosts and make yourself an account specifically for this purpose. This serves two purposes: It keeps your Fetlife account separate from everything else, and it helps you maintain the privacy of your identity should anyone go snooping. And they may, so be prepared.

Now, back to the purpose at hand. Look at your list. Did you decide you wanted something 24/7? Do you really know what that means? Do you like picking out your own clothes? Yeah, that right may disappear. Are you accustomed to getting approval on your grocery list, or do you just put things on there that you run out of or that you’d like to have? That may be a thing of the past – even going to the grocery alone may be against the rules. How you cut or color your hair, whether or not you have manicures and pedicures done or wear polish – even the color of polish – may not be your choice anymore. Ever thought about having your nipples or labia pierced? That may be a requirement. He may even expect you to get a tattoo of some kind. Does the idea of any of those things bother you? It shouldn’t. If you’re looking for a real, honest to goodness Dominant, you may have to make concessions – you both may have to. So be specific in what you want.

If you haven’t made your list of hard and soft limits, this would be a good time to do that too. You’ll need that to have an intelligent, open, honest discussion about wants and needs, and for any potential dominant to feel confident about your suitability as a submissive.

Now as for that relationship . . .

I think I warned you straight up about looking for a Dominant if you’re already married. I hope you’ll heed that warning if you want to stay in your current relationship. You also need to be up front about that with any Dominant with whom you’d want to start a relationship, and if he’s married or in a long-term, committed relationship, he could be honest about that with you. You’ll need to find out first thing if this is a relationship strictly for play, one where you get together on a prescribed scheduled, or maybe just as able, and scene together. Are you open to someone who only wants to play and has no interest in a long-term relationship of any kind? Maybe someone who has one or more other submissives, and possibly even someone who would want you to interact (maybe even sexually) with their other submissives? Or are you looking for a relationship that would lead to an emotional connection, possibly even marriage? You not only need to know for yourself, but you’re going to need to be clear about that going in. Yes, there is always the possibility that you’ll start to play and one or both of you will fall in love. But I wouldn’t count on that, so if that’s what you’re looking for, be very clear about that so your potential partner knows that’s what you want and can tell you straight up if he’s not interested.

Now, decide how much time you have to devote to the relationship. A lot of people are now opting for LDR – long-distance relationships. In the age of the Internet, this is becoming popular. That’s a great option . . . if you simply want someone to issue orders for you. And you’re not sure you’ll want to follow them. Without that person there to see what’s happening and relying only on what you’ll tell them, you’re both at a distinct disadvantage. Sure, they may ask you to perform various sex acts on camera for them, but that’s not the same as a hands-on approach (not to mention that they’d better be completely trustworthy or you’ll wind up seeing your junk with a huge blue dildo sticking out of it on Yes, the relationship may come with arrangements to get together in person monthly, or quarterly, or even just once, depending on how far apart you are.  If you’re simply looking for structure and someone who seems to give a damn, this might be a good enough arrangement for you. If, however, you’re looking for sexual contact, this probably won’t cut it.

If hands-on play is really what you want, then it’s going to be more time consuming. If the relationship is 24/7, that’s easy enough, but if it’s just a play partner relationship, it can be one session per month or three per week, so make sure you have the time necessary.

Still making that list? Good. Because here we go.

If you are looking for a long-distance relationship, you should have the easiest time of all the possible scenarios. Initially, an LDR can give you an opportunity to learn someone’s style, find out what they expect, and get to know them before you possibly meet in person. If you simply don’t like the things they’re telling you to do, they may not be a good fit for you. If you were clear up front that you don’t like nipple clamps and that’s the very first thing you’re asked to do, this may not be the relationship for you. Remember, ANY Dominant is going to instruct you to do things you don’t like. That’s the nature of the relationship: Service without thought to self. (If right about now you’re thinking, “Oh, I’m in this for what I can get out of it,” perhaps you missed that little piece of info about service. Don’t. It’s very important.) So being asked to do things you may not necessarily want to do is part of it. But if you have hard limits (and you should’ve already identified those) and you’re continually being asked to cross those, you’ve got a poor fit there. An LDR can help you eliminate those before problems arise. But I’m not suggesting that you be flippant with the relationship. Ask any and all of those questions you can think of before you ever enter into the relationship.

But you’re not looking for an LDR. You want a living, breathing Dominant to stand there in front of you and tell you to strip, right? Okay. There’s one thing we need to discuss first. And you’re not going to like it, but it has to be addressed.


Yes, I said it. I know. You’re thinking, “I can’t wear a seatbelt during sex, so I don’t know what the hell this is about. I’m a grown up AND a pretty good judge of character.”

Listen up: Our cemeteries are littered with the bodies of women who thought they could trust the men they were with. You are stepping into a fetish zone in which application of pain is the norm, not the exception. Playing with anyone, even your husband or fiancĂ©, can have dangerous ramifications. You’d better know this person and know them well, or know someone else who does.

First off, before meeting up with anyone, have a series of safe calls set up. Have someone who’s expecting your call at regular intervals during the meeting, someone who won’t get interested in The Walking Dead, look up at one thirty in the morning, and go, “Oh, hell, Ann was supposed to call me at ten! I hope she’s okay . . .” Nope. It’s got to be someone who will wait for that call and act on the prescribed, agreed-upon steps if they don’t get it. And yes, calling the police should be one of those steps.

Second, if you’re meeting for the first, or even third, time, it should be in a public place with plenty of people around. You should be putting yourself in a position where you can watch this individual coming in and see what kind of car they’re driving. Make note. If you have the opportunity, jot down a license plate number or take a pic of it with your phone. If the potential Dominant you’re meeting is on the level, he won’t mind at all; matter of fact, he’ll be glad you’re taking care with your safety and encourage you to do that sort of thing. And do NOT leave the public area with this person. If you decide you’re finished with coffee and you’d like to go somewhere to eat, drive yourself. Do not be alone with him for any reason. It’s not safe.

Third, once you’ve met, ask for references. Yes, references, just like for a job. If he’s part of the community and knows the score, he’ll kind of expect that. Nothing wrong with it. Yes, one of them may be his mother. A coworker is nice. An ex-sub is even better. If he can give you the name and number of an ex-sub who maybe decided just to go with another Dominant for needs he wasn’t willing to meet, that’s great. Someone else in the fetish community would be a great reference (we’re going to talk about that later). But references are a good idea – always.

Fourth, be very, very open in that first meeting about what you want and need from the relationship. If you’ve read anything I’ve ever said on this subject, you know that I believe communication is key in all things. So let me help you here if you’re a little squeamish.

Get one of my books. Yeah, Laying a Foundation or Adventurous Me would be good choices. Find every passage that has really explicit language in it. Now, go and stand in front of the mirror and read those out loud to yourself in the mirror. Say those words. Yes, I know it’s hard at first, but do it. Practice it. If you can’t say cock or pussy out loud to a potential Dominant, you’re in trouble. Yes, you may say “fellatio,” but eventually that’ll get old. Saying those words will allow you to be clear about what it is that you want. And being clear about what you want will save you a second and third meeting if the two of you just aren’t meshing.

So now you’re thinking: Enough of this shit! I want a Dominant! When is she going to tell me how to get one? We’re almost there.

Here’s your assignment before next week: Find your kink community. There are kinky people in your community, I assure you. See if you can find some of them. Look on Fetlife (yes, get in there and get yourself an account – right now!) and find out if there’s a munch in your area. If there is, make sure it’s open to new people and then GO (but being open to new people is the purpose of a munch, so if it’s not, your local kink scene has a real problem). You shouldn’t be looking for a Dominant at this point, necessarily. Finding other submissives with whom you can talk and compare notes is a good idea. You can find out through them what’s realistic and what’s just pie-in-the-sky Fifty-Shades-Of-Gray ridiculous as an expectation.

But if your area doesn’t have a kink community (or at least one you can find), try the nearest adult store. It’s been my experience in every store I’ve visited that the clerks are not only open and friendly but also some of the most knowledgeable people you’ll find, not only about the store and their products, but about the sexual community in general. They can also tell you if there are any clubs in your area and, if so, probably give you info about someone you could contact to talk to about visiting, or take your info for that person to contact you. Or they may know of a couple of people who’d like to start some kind of group in the area but haven’t found others to meet. If you’re too shy to walk into the store or to talk to the clerk, you probably aren’t going to get very far with this whole endeavor, so man up, park in the back, and walk through that door.

Also, it may be necessary for you to drive a good distance to find a community to get involved with, so decide now if that’s something you’re willing to do, maybe monthly or every six weeks. Our nearest club is two and a half hours away. I’d gladly drive that distance once a month to get together with others if Sir were open to that – which he’s not.

And here are some links for glossaries of terms. Look them over. They can make you feel less self-conscious if you’re meeting a group of people. Knowing the lingo will help you feel like you fit in.

So get on it. You know where to start. Next week: Where to find those Doms. They’re out there, I swear, but you’ve got to be ready.