I wish I had a nickel for every time I’m asked, “How do I find
a Dominant?” or, “How do I tell my guy what I want?” I could easily buy that
new Mustang I’ve been eyeing. Red, of course. This will be a multi-post
because, quite frankly, I’m smart enough to know you wouldn’t sit and read
everything that needs to be said in one sitting. That leads me to answer another
question. “Isn’t there an easy, quick way to do this?” And the answer?
No.
And I’m not even going to elaborate on this, because there
isn’t. Just like with most things, this isn’t an event – it’s a process, and it
takes time and care. So let’s just jump in there, shall we?
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| No. I can tell you right now - you're probably not going to look this sexy. Sorry. You won't have a photographer to set up the shot or a makeup artist to work with you. Unless you're really, really into this. Then hire them all. |
But beware: I’m going to stop you right here and say this
clearly. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, your partner isn’t
interested in your kink (and, yes, that’s what it is), and you think you’ll
just find a Dominant to “meet your needs,” clear this with your partner, make
sure the Dominant knows you’re married, and make sure that EVERYONE is cool
with this. If not, shut this blog post down and don’t go any farther. You will wind up divorced and/or alone, or
with a reputation that would keep any self-respecting Dominant from working
with you. Is that what you really want?
First and foremost, you need to ask yourself some questions
before you go looking for a Dominant. The biggest question is, why do you want
a Dominant? Let me rephrase that: Why do you think you want a Dominant? Did you read “that popular trilogy
written by a British author” and decide that’s what you want? Have you known
for years that you want or even need this kind of stimulation or interaction? Do
the tools and toys look like fun? Is this something that you crave? Are you
just bored with the guy you’re with and your current relationship?
Second, you need to decide just what kind of relationship you
want to have. Do you want a full-time Dominant/submissive relationship? A lot
of people think they do, only to find that it’s next to impossible, and both
parties have to be fully committed to it if so. Do you just want to dress up
and play? If so, every time you have sex, or just occasionally? So are you
looking for an actual Dominant, a play partner, or a love interest who will
fall into this easily? (And yes, there is the possibility that you’ll find a
Dominant and the two of you will fall in love. A possibility. I wouldn’t
consider it a probability unless you’re up-front about that right off the bat.)
Are there things you simply won’t do? Define those right away, maybe even make
a list of them so your mind is very clear on those points. It may be that you’re
interested in the gamut of BDSM, or you may not be. By that I mean that you may
be into the sado-masochistic aspect and need the edge of pain it provides, but
panic if your hands are tied or you’re blindfolded. Conversely, you may be someone
who is aroused by being restrained or bound. Maybe you love being tied up,
maybe even zipped into a full-body latex suit complete with full-head mask, or
having your ankles bound to a spreader bar while you’re bent over with your
hands cuffed around a post. There are many, many different aspects of the
lifestyle to consider, even if it is
a lifestyle for you, or something you just want to dabble in. These are things
you need to determine before you go on this hunt. Sure, you can be clear that
you’ve never experienced anything like that and you’d like to try it. If so,
read on.
Third, you need to know exactly what you can tolerate. Get
yourself a little flogger and try lashing yourself. Hurt too much? That’s a
good thing to know about yourself. Can’t stand to have your nipples pinched?
Then nipple clamps are probably not for you. Everyone has different tolerance points
and things they just can’t stand. I do not like to have my feet tickled,
period. It’s a mood-killer. I’m one of those people who can have their hair
almost pulled out by the roots and it doesn’t bother me, but from the time he
was small, my son has never liked brushing his hair – he says it hurts too
much. We’re all different, so know what you can stand and what you can’t. And
know if being restrained is a panic point for you. Some people are so
claustrophobic that blindfolding them sets them into a spiral. Know thyself.
And you may even be interested in some degree of ménage, or perhaps poly play
or a poly relationship. Those present problems of their own, but we can talk
about that later.
Fourth, acknowledge if this isn’t even realistic for you.
Maybe you live in a small town, population eighty-three and that pair of conjoined
twins down the block (no one’s ever figured out how to count them). If that’s
the case, I may be able to help you down the road. Just hang in there and we’ll
talk about that later.
And if you’ve already got a guy you’re head over heels in
love with, how do you let him know what you’re interested in without him
running for the hills? And what if you do
let him know and he does head for the
hills? We’ll cover that later on too. It may not be as hard as you think.
But know this up front: There is an aspect on which I won’t
compromise, and that is one simple word:
SAFETY
I can’t say this often enough: This is one of those things
where safety can always, always be in question. No matter how much you think
you know, or how much experience this Dominant has, or whether or not you’ve
got all the right toys, there is no substitute for safety. You may have a
Dominant who is experienced in knot tying similar to shibari, but if he uses
the wrong kind of rope, you’re going to have a problem. You can get into trouble
with a lot of the things offered in the kink world if you’re not well-versed in
their application or use. And there is one that’s worth mentioning.
Breath play. I may get some backlash about this, but I’ve
got to say it: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I’m going to
say it again: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. About the
only way to even do breath play is with paper bags or simple holding of the
breath, something that when you pass out, it stops. Otherwise, well, let’s just
say that every year, dozens of people are arrested when their partner dies from
what they thought would be a safe,
simple round of breath play. Even physicians who are involved in the lifestyle
say there is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I do not condone it,
and you won’t ever see it written about in my books. It’s just too risky.
The other obvious safety issue is actually meeting a
Dominant. I’m going to give you some ideas for doing so, but they’re going to
be safe. This is not something you can just trust your instincts on, or go with
your gut, or whatever you want to call it. There are so many things that can go
wrong during a session that safety has got to be first and foremost on everyone’s
minds, and that includes just getting off on the wrong foot to begin with.
Because believe me, dying will make your arousal disappear in a heartbeat, no
pun intended, and the cemeteries in our country are littered with the graves of
women who thought they could trust the men they were with and found out too
late that they were wrong.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, let me give you a little
homework before next week. You’ve just read this post, so go get yourself a
tablet and a pencil, or sit down with your iPad or computer, and start
thinking. Don’t try to do this in one sitting. Make some notes, walk away, and
come back later, or stop by and jot them down as you walk through a room. Write
out exactly why you want this, and be honest with yourself about it,
bone-slashing honest. Decide what kind of relationship you want and describe it
exactly as you picture it. Think about what you really want to do and make a
list of the actual physical activities: Nipple torture; orgasm denial;
flogging, whipping, caning; restraint, either simple (a pair of cuffs) or
extreme (full-body binding of some sort for an extended period of time); electro-erotic
play (TENS unit, violet wand); maybe even some of the kink that most people
find disgusting (golden showers, scat play, etc.), because, yes, some people
enjoy that stuff, and who are we to decide that’s wrong if they’re consenting
adults? And then, decide if this is even realistic for you. Look around
you – do you know anyone else who’s in the lifestyle? Have a girlfriend
who has talked to you about what she and her guy do in the way of kink? Have an
adult store in town where you can go and look at supplies? If the answer to all
of these is “no,” you need to decide if this is important enough to need to
travel for it, or possibly even move to be involved in a relationship or
relationships that will offer you that. You may decide that it’s just too
inconvenient, time-consuming, or looks too impossible when you see it all on
paper, but make that list of things you’d have to do to be involved with a Dominant
on a serious basis, or even to find a place to play.
Get that list made and get ready. And if you think of
questions you’d like for me to cover as I go along, please, send them to me. I’ll
answer every one of them if I can, pass them off to someone else if I can’t,
and if the answer is too personal, I’ll get in touch with you privately so as
to avoid embarrassment on the part of either of us. So get to work. And find me
on Facebook or email me if you need to. There’s no shame in trying to find a
way to get your groove on.
Next week: Let’s try some actual steps to find a Dominant,
shall we? Good – I thought you’d like that!
