Saturday, December 20, 2014

Finding Your Dominant, Part One

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’m asked, “How do I find a Dominant?” or, “How do I tell my guy what I want?” I could easily buy that new Mustang I’ve been eyeing. Red, of course. This will be a multi-post because, quite frankly, I’m smart enough to know you wouldn’t sit and read everything that needs to be said in one sitting. That leads me to answer another question. “Isn’t there an easy, quick way to do this?” And the answer?


And I’m not even going to elaborate on this, because there isn’t. Just like with most things, this isn’t an event – it’s a process, and it takes time and care. So let’s just jump in there, shall we?

No. I can tell you right now - you're probably not going to look this sexy.
Sorry. You won't have a photographer to set up the shot or a makeup artist to work with you.
Unless you're really, really into this. Then hire them all.

But beware: I’m going to stop you right here and say this clearly. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, your partner isn’t interested in your kink (and, yes, that’s what it is), and you think you’ll just find a Dominant to “meet your needs,” clear this with your partner, make sure the Dominant knows you’re married, and make sure that EVERYONE is cool with this. If not, shut this blog post down and don’t go any farther. You will wind up divorced and/or alone, or with a reputation that would keep any self-respecting Dominant from working with you. Is that what you really want?

First and foremost, you need to ask yourself some questions before you go looking for a Dominant. The biggest question is, why do you want a Dominant? Let me rephrase that: Why do you think you want a Dominant? Did you read “that popular trilogy written by a British author” and decide that’s what you want? Have you known for years that you want or even need this kind of stimulation or interaction? Do the tools and toys look like fun? Is this something that you crave? Are you just bored with the guy you’re with and your current relationship?

Second, you need to decide just what kind of relationship you want to have. Do you want a full-time Dominant/submissive relationship? A lot of people think they do, only to find that it’s next to impossible, and both parties have to be fully committed to it if so. Do you just want to dress up and play? If so, every time you have sex, or just occasionally? So are you looking for an actual Dominant, a play partner, or a love interest who will fall into this easily? (And yes, there is the possibility that you’ll find a Dominant and the two of you will fall in love. A possibility. I wouldn’t consider it a probability unless you’re up-front about that right off the bat.) Are there things you simply won’t do? Define those right away, maybe even make a list of them so your mind is very clear on those points. It may be that you’re interested in the gamut of BDSM, or you may not be. By that I mean that you may be into the sado-masochistic aspect and need the edge of pain it provides, but panic if your hands are tied or you’re blindfolded. Conversely, you may be someone who is aroused by being restrained or bound. Maybe you love being tied up, maybe even zipped into a full-body latex suit complete with full-head mask, or having your ankles bound to a spreader bar while you’re bent over with your hands cuffed around a post. There are many, many different aspects of the lifestyle to consider, even if it is a lifestyle for you, or something you just want to dabble in. These are things you need to determine before you go on this hunt. Sure, you can be clear that you’ve never experienced anything like that and you’d like to try it. If so, read on.

Third, you need to know exactly what you can tolerate. Get yourself a little flogger and try lashing yourself. Hurt too much? That’s a good thing to know about yourself. Can’t stand to have your nipples pinched? Then nipple clamps are probably not for you. Everyone has different tolerance points and things they just can’t stand. I do not like to have my feet tickled, period. It’s a mood-killer. I’m one of those people who can have their hair almost pulled out by the roots and it doesn’t bother me, but from the time he was small, my son has never liked brushing his hair – he says it hurts too much. We’re all different, so know what you can stand and what you can’t. And know if being restrained is a panic point for you. Some people are so claustrophobic that blindfolding them sets them into a spiral. Know thyself. And you may even be interested in some degree of ménage, or perhaps poly play or a poly relationship. Those present problems of their own, but we can talk about that later.

Fourth, acknowledge if this isn’t even realistic for you. Maybe you live in a small town, population eighty-three and that pair of conjoined twins down the block (no one’s ever figured out how to count them). If that’s the case, I may be able to help you down the road. Just hang in there and we’ll talk about that later.

And if you’ve already got a guy you’re head over heels in love with, how do you let him know what you’re interested in without him running for the hills? And what if you do let him know and he does head for the hills? We’ll cover that later on too. It may not be as hard as you think.

But know this up front: There is an aspect on which I won’t compromise, and that is one simple word:


I can’t say this often enough: This is one of those things where safety can always, always be in question. No matter how much you think you know, or how much experience this Dominant has, or whether or not you’ve got all the right toys, there is no substitute for safety. You may have a Dominant who is experienced in knot tying similar to shibari, but if he uses the wrong kind of rope, you’re going to have a problem. You can get into trouble with a lot of the things offered in the kink world if you’re not well-versed in their application or use. And there is one that’s worth mentioning.

Breath play. I may get some backlash about this, but I’ve got to say it: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I’m going to say it again: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. About the only way to even do breath play is with paper bags or simple holding of the breath, something that when you pass out, it stops. Otherwise, well, let’s just say that every year, dozens of people are arrested when their partner dies from what they thought would be a safe, simple round of breath play. Even physicians who are involved in the lifestyle say there is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I do not condone it, and you won’t ever see it written about in my books. It’s just too risky.

The other obvious safety issue is actually meeting a Dominant. I’m going to give you some ideas for doing so, but they’re going to be safe. This is not something you can just trust your instincts on, or go with your gut, or whatever you want to call it. There are so many things that can go wrong during a session that safety has got to be first and foremost on everyone’s minds, and that includes just getting off on the wrong foot to begin with. Because believe me, dying will make your arousal disappear in a heartbeat, no pun intended, and the cemeteries in our country are littered with the graves of women who thought they could trust the men they were with and found out too late that they were wrong.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, let me give you a little homework before next week. You’ve just read this post, so go get yourself a tablet and a pencil, or sit down with your iPad or computer, and start thinking. Don’t try to do this in one sitting. Make some notes, walk away, and come back later, or stop by and jot them down as you walk through a room. Write out exactly why you want this, and be honest with yourself about it, bone-slashing honest. Decide what kind of relationship you want and describe it exactly as you picture it. Think about what you really want to do and make a list of the actual physical activities: Nipple torture; orgasm denial; flogging, whipping, caning; restraint, either simple (a pair of cuffs) or extreme (full-body binding of some sort for an extended period of time); electro-erotic play (TENS unit, violet wand); maybe even some of the kink that most people find disgusting (golden showers, scat play, etc.), because, yes, some people enjoy that stuff, and who are we to decide that’s wrong if they’re consenting adults? And then, decide if this is even realistic for you. Look around you – do you know anyone else who’s in the lifestyle? Have a girlfriend who has talked to you about what she and her guy do in the way of kink? Have an adult store in town where you can go and look at supplies? If the answer to all of these is “no,” you need to decide if this is important enough to need to travel for it, or possibly even move to be involved in a relationship or relationships that will offer you that.  You may decide that it’s just too inconvenient, time-consuming, or looks too impossible when you see it all on paper, but make that list of things you’d have to do to be involved with a Dominant on a serious basis, or even to find a place to play.

Get that list made and get ready. And if you think of questions you’d like for me to cover as I go along, please, send them to me. I’ll answer every one of them if I can, pass them off to someone else if I can’t, and if the answer is too personal, I’ll get in touch with you privately so as to avoid embarrassment on the part of either of us. So get to work. And find me on Facebook or email me if you need to. There’s no shame in trying to find a way to get your groove on.

Next week: Let’s try some actual steps to find a Dominant, shall we? Good – I thought you’d like that!


  1. Replies
    1. You're quite welcome, my dear. I just had to do this. It's scary out there, and I'm so afraid that in their rush to emulate what they've seen in books, people will put themselves at unnecessary risk. I'd like to help at least a few of them avoiid that.


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