Saturday, January 10, 2015

Hooker shoes!

Hooker shoes. Ah, we all love them, don’t we? Well, some don’t. I do. Sort of. But they’re a staple in the kink community, and in our sex-addicted society as well. (Don’t think I’m bashing sex addicts – I’m sure they make up a percentage of my readership.)

I’ve often wondered what it is about them, and I’ve given that some thought. When you write erotica and erotic romance, yeah, you think about those things. Not always productive, but you still think about them. Here are some of the answers I’ve come up with based on what I’ve read and what I’ve seen, not to mention my own hooker shoes, of which there are many.

They’re pretty: Well, they are. Very pretty. They come in all kinds of sparkly configurations, and some are lit up from the bottom. Some are clear acrylic so any lights on a dance floor shine up through them. I have a pair covered in rainbow sequins – VERY pretty. A good number of them have sequins and beads and jewels on them, and everyone loves those.

They can be very artistic: I’ve seen some that were beyond belief. I don’t know who came up with the ideas, but they’re pretty cool, albeit in a warped, nonsensical way. But I love that people have gone to such great lengths to take the lowly shoe and turn it into a piece of art. Well, maybe not lowly. If it’s a platform or stiletto, it’s pretty lofty.

They make us look taller and make our legs look longer: I’m 5’3”, but with a good pair of platforms, I’m 5’6”. That makes me pretty happy. Plus I already have long legs for my height, and they just make my legs look longer still. I like that. Most women do. Guys really dig it. It’s a beautiful thing.

They make us feel pretty: Who wouldn’t feel pretty in something that, quite frankly, looks like a princess shoe? Remember those silly plastic high heels in the toy department, the ones with the elastic straps? And how we loved wearing those things? We liked them because they made us feel like princesses. And now, as a grownup, we can feel that way again in some sparkly, high heeled wonders. Of course we like that! Matter of fact, the caption under these babies was, “If a hooker went to the prom, this is what her shoes would look like.” BOOM! They’re on the “gotta-have” list.

They’re sexy, sexy, sexy: I remember Sir asking me, “Can you actually walk in these things?” My reply?

“I only have to make it from the bathroom to the bed.”

Well, it was true. I put them and some frillies on, then march out and let nature take its course. And it does – in gangbusters. Oh. Probably not the best word. But you know what I mean. I don’t think there’s a guy alive who wouldn’t like to see his baby walk into their boudoir in a pair of these babies. I hear the feel of the heel digging into your back is very erotic, although I wouldn’t know that for a fact. It’s just hearsay but, based on the response I got, I’d say it’s probably very accurate hearsay.

Doesn’t matter if you can’t hold a rhythm, you dance in them and you look like a pole dancer: It’s true. Just get out on the dance floor in them and start moving around. It doesn’t matter if you look like PeeWee Herman – people will notice, and usually in a good way. Now, if you’re all spastic, maybe not, but usually just a gentle sway of the hips and swing of the arms and, in platforms or stilettos, you’re all set. Seriously. Try it. You’ll be amazed at what a good “dancer” you suddenly become.

Okay - I really don't know what to think about these.
I just had to throw them in.
It kinda looks like Carmen Miranda
got lost in DSW.
There is always the chance that someone will hand you money: Wear a pair of stilettos or platforms in the right places and expect fives and tens to come your way. Just say something like, “Sure! Hand me your camera and I’ll take your picture!” or, “How did you know I needed (place monetary denomination here)?” They’ll be embarrassed that they mistook you for a hooker – well, most of them will – and you’ll be a little richer. If that happens enough, BAM – they’ve paid for themselves.

I’ll tell you a little secret: If you want to try some of these out but you don’t want to pay a fortune for them, go to your local Goodwill or consignment shops. They get them in the box loads. Why? Women buy them and then don’t want to even try them. But I say, hell yeah – if you’re steady enough on your feet that you won’t fall over just standing still, get a pair and wear them. And if you are unsteady, don’t worry. Just announce that you’re going to wear them and you’ll be amazed at the number of offers you have to help hold you up as you go. It’ll happen. Just don’t buy shoes with asses on them. You want them looking at your ass, not the ones on your shoes.