Size DOES matter

There it is again. I'm sorry. This is a hysterical pic and I just had to add it.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I'm sure Santa has something awesome in store for you. But now, we need to discuss something that no one wants to discuss. They tiptoe around it, but really, it’s pretty important. And it’s very simple. All those comments about, “It’s not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean,” and “Women don’t care about size as long as they’re satisfied?” I just have one comment about those.

Bullshit.

I know someone who had this boyfriend about whom she said, “Yeah. It’s like a button on a fur coat.” I didn’t know exactly what she meant. And then some guys started sending me pics of their junk in PMs on Facebook. Unsolicited. Trust me. Anyway, I started to see these coming in, which of course I must want, seeing as how I write erotic romance (blech) and I noticed something.

There are guys who just don’t realize how tiny their penises really are. I mean, they flash these mini macs like they’re Ron Jeremy, and it’s pathetic. At least a couple of them should do a trim job so they could actually be seen. That jungle thatch provides deep cover for a willy that’s trying to disappear into the forest.

But there are a lot of guys, really nice guys, who have this disadvantage too. I mean, I’m pretty sure I don’t know any of them, but they’re out there. *insert wink here* They have successful relationships with happy women. They have secrets, and they’re good ones. So let me elaborate.

First of all, they make the most of what they have. By that, I mean they learn positions that will give them the greatest, um, trajectory, for lack of a better word. Angle can help a lot, it really can. Positions like Pressing Passion, The Twining, or anything where she’s on top, can be the best for these guys. Anything from behind, though, can be the death of fun. He’s got to be of at least average length and breadth to make that work. Some guys just can’t. Experimentation is key.

Next, trim those trees. If you can’t find it for the thicket, get out your trimmer and go to town. Personally, shaved smooth would be great with me, but a lot of guys are just too reluctant to do that. Why, I don’t know. But I can tell you this; no woman wants a mouthful of hair. So just do it and quit whining about it. And yes, once you do it, you have to keep it up. Just be glad you don’t have to shave your legs and armpits every damn day. Of course, you can if you want. I have to admit, I’ve never been one to judge.

Following those little tidbits, develop that “she comes first” attitude. In case you don’t know about this, I’m going to enlighten you. Pay close attention. Your daddy didn’t tell you this; hell, he probably didn’t know this. So here goes.

There is a physiological response in the female body that’s been built into it from the dawn of time. You see, survival of the species was dependent on mating and replicating, of course. The human female is not the only mammal who has a clitoris, but it is the one that most commonly uses it for sexual stimulation. But why would that be important? Because stimulation of the clitoris and the resulting orgasm makes the human female want to have sex. Does your woman complain that she’s not sure what the big deal about sex is? It’s because she’s not put into that frame of mind by what you have or haven’t done.

But once you’ve given her that first orgasm, she wants to have sex. Really. I mean, really, really wants to have sex. It’s the mating response. And once that kicks in, it’s smooth sailing if you know some useful positions and other tricks of the trade. Yes, it means you have to wait. You’re not three years old. Develop some self-control.

Finally, as for those tricks of the trade I mentioned, here’s where you need to get over yourself. What do I mean by that?

A dildo is not a human sex organ. It’s latex. You’d be amazed at the number of men who are intimidated by a latex phallus. It’s ridiculous. But they’ve got it in their heads that if they use one that’s bigger than they are, the object of their affection (unless she’s a blowup doll) will like it better than she likes him and he’ll be out in the cold while she entertains herself with the Jumbo Juicer.

Guys, that’s not going to happen. Well, okay, it might in one case out of one hundred. Make that eighty. If you’re a real asshole and don’t pay any attention to her at all, well, that drops to one out of twenty, and I wouldn’t blame her.

But if you’re not well endowed, using sex toys of any kind can really kickstart the session and get it going in a direction so favorable that, by the time you’re at the point where it’s your turn to “take the plunge,” she wouldn’t care if you were sporting a toothpick – she just wants it, and wants it right that minute.

And as for sex toys, don’t neglect the nipples. You may not know this, but the nerves in the nipples are directly linked to the uterus. That’s why breastfeeding helps a woman’s uterus shrink after childbirth. But there’s now some research that suggests the signals the brain receives from the nipples bypasses the uterus altogether and are very, very similar to those signals received from the genitals. Any good clinician of women’s sexual health (of which there are very few, believe me, but that’s a subject for another blog post) will tell you that nipple play is crucial in the play session. Keep that in mind.

So here are some last-minute holiday shopping ideas that your woman might like. You can get things like this at Babeland, Adam & Eve, and Stockroom, all fine retailers. And don’t forget Amazon. They have an amazing selection of goodies.

Dildo – Make it a good one. Nice quality latex, easy to clean, and big enough that she can actually feel it. If you want it similar in size to you, that’s fine, but this is supposed to get her ready, not be the grand finale, so remember that. If you really want to turn up the heat, get a double ended one. What are you supposed to do with the other end, you ask? Use your imagination, you idiot. You can figure this out. Whatever you decide to do with the other end is the right thing to do – no matter WHAT it is. Speaking of which, don’t forget another dildo or some anal beads or a plug if you want to take her to the “dark side.” It’s fun over there, cookies or no, and having separate toys for that foray is a must for safety sake. Then it’s wash, wash, wash with a good quality antibacterial soap or toy cleaner, followed by rinse, rinse, rinse, and air dry. Because, just because.

Vibrator – Make this a good one too. In this particular instance, cost is an indicator of quality. Yes, battery powered ones are good, but only if you have a big, BIG package of batteries handy and you’re willing to possibly waste some in order to change them out each time you’ve had them in use for awhile. In other words, after three nights of use, even if it seems to still have juice, change out the batteries. Nothing’s worse than being right in the middle of a session and having the damn thing die. And I should know. Hence the entry in my little world of the Hitachi Magic Wand. Yes, the damn thing needs a cord that’s longer than 2.5 feet (what the hell were they thinking?), but it’s still more reliable than its battery-powered cousins. It even has attachments available. And you can get a harness that allows it to be strapped on for forced orgasms. How cool is that? Well, I think so anyway. And now you have too much information. Damn. I do that all the time.

Rope and restraints – The right kind, not the wrong kind. No clothesline rope. Something soft and slick. Japanese shibari rope is best, but it’s kinda pricey. You can find something else, but it should be something that isn’t self-grabbing so it doesn’t tighten on its own. And read up on rules of bondage and restraint so you know how this is done safely. Frankly, buckling or Velcro closure cuffs are a lot safer. Add a spreader bar to them, and voila! It’s hours of fun!

Nipple clamps – These come in all types, styles, kinds, colors, and strengths. I’d advise starting out with something not to terribly harsh in the beginning, so steer clear of clover clamps and go for something adjustable, like a pair of duckbill clamps. Having a chain between them is even better. Many clamps have holes from which you can hang weights. If you can’t afford them, any kind of adjusting, locking pliers will do, and they can be even headier when allowed to dangle in some positions.

Candles – Two kinds here. One, women are very, very sensitive to smell, so scented candles can go a long way toward getting her ready. So can a shower (for you, not necessarily for her), because no woman wants to have sex with a guy who smells like the bottom of a gym bag. The other are wax play candles. No, you cannot buy them at the Yankee Candle store. They’re specially made to be safe for wax play, and you do need to look up some instruction on their use. And don’t forget the lotion or oil to prepare the skin beforehand.

Fantasy clothing – Most women, if they’re honest, will tell you that they like dressing up. If they’re into age play, they want to wear things an eight year old would wear. But most of us like to get a little (okay, a lot) slutty when we’re dressing out for play. Satin, lace, spandex, latex – it’s all fun. Stockings. Stilettos. Even hooker platforms. They’re all alluring and stimulate parts of the brain that make us feel more adventurous and open. You can buy them for her but, better yet, let her pick them out herself. Yes, she’s wearing it for you in theory, so if it’s something you like, that’s good. But if you let her pick out what she wants to wear, she’s going to pick out something that she thinks makes her look sexier, and that’s going to make her feel sexier. Get it? No? You’re an idiot. Go hire a hooker. At least she’ll be complimentary.

Gift card – Most of the major adult retailers offer online gift cards. Get her one and let her pick out some things. And don’t be intimidated by her choices. Just run with them. You’ll love it, I promise.

Crazy paraphernialia – This encompasses all of the extremely expensive, hard-to-use or hard-to-mount shit that’s available out there. Fucking machines. Sex swings (yeah, don’t get that sucker anchored in a rafter and the ceiling will the least of your worries). Sounds. (Don’t know what those are? Look them up.) Catheters. Enema systems. Expensive bondage furniture. All kinds of ramps and pillows and wedges. And don’t forget electro-erotic play. I love that stuff, but it’s hellspensive. You don’t need any of these things, but if you can afford them, well, buy the hell out of them. It’ll be fun city at your house for a long, long time.

So to recap, a teeny wienie doesn’t have to be the end of your career as a sexual overlord. It can be a bump in the road, or it can be a grand adventure toward some things you never would’ve tried anyway. If you're creative, you can be her hero forever and a man every woman lusts after (well, you and your toy box). And if all else fails?

There’s always jelqing. And that’s another blog post.