Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Finding Your Dominant, Part Two

Last week I promised you that we’d talk this week about how to find yourself a Dominant. If you’re sure you’re ready, here we go.

If you’ll recall I asked you to make some lists and think about some things. One of the things I asked you to do was to decide exactly what it was you wanted in the way of a D/s relationship. I also asked you to make a list of the things you’d want or expect. Let’s tackle the relationship first.

If you looked at the issue of the type of relationship you’d want and you drew some firm conclusions, great. If not, I’d suggest that you try again. You need to know exactly what you want before you go looking. It’s not like a car; there aren’t thousands of options out there and you have to figure out which one you want. Before you think I’m wrong about that, remember: A car can’t choose whether or not it wants YOU as an owner. A potential Dominant is going to have to decide if you’re a good fit for him, so  you’d better be clear about everything in your own mind before you go mucking around in someone else’s. Did you decide that you want something full-time? Just the bedroom? Live in a difficult area in which to be different? All of these are factors.

By the way, before we go any farther, if you are not a member of Fetlife, I’d suggest that you get on there and join right now. Like yesterday. Fetlife is the largest – and safest – fetish community on the Internet, and it could be a great resource for you. Yes, it could help you find someone to hook up with, but I hope you won’t see it that way. As a hook-up site, it’s no better than Craigslist. But there are lots of people there who can answer questions for you, give you ideas, things like that, and you can meet people with similar kink to yours and explore things you’d never thought about before. You won’t feel quite so alone. Go to Gmail or Hotmail or Outlook or one of the other email hosts and make yourself an account specifically for this purpose. This serves two purposes: It keeps your Fetlife account separate from everything else, and it helps you maintain the privacy of your identity should anyone go snooping. And they may, so be prepared.

Now, back to the purpose at hand. Look at your list. Did you decide you wanted something 24/7? Do you really know what that means? Do you like picking out your own clothes? Yeah, that right may disappear. Are you accustomed to getting approval on your grocery list, or do you just put things on there that you run out of or that you’d like to have? That may be a thing of the past – even going to the grocery alone may be against the rules. How you cut or color your hair, whether or not you have manicures and pedicures done or wear polish – even the color of polish – may not be your choice anymore. Ever thought about having your nipples or labia pierced? That may be a requirement. He may even expect you to get a tattoo of some kind. Does the idea of any of those things bother you? It shouldn’t. If you’re looking for a real, honest to goodness Dominant, you may have to make concessions – you both may have to. So be specific in what you want.

If you haven’t made your list of hard and soft limits, this would be a good time to do that too. You’ll need that to have an intelligent, open, honest discussion about wants and needs, and for any potential dominant to feel confident about your suitability as a submissive.

Now as for that relationship . . .

I think I warned you straight up about looking for a Dominant if you’re already married. I hope you’ll heed that warning if you want to stay in your current relationship. You also need to be up front about that with any Dominant with whom you’d want to start a relationship, and if he’s married or in a long-term, committed relationship, he could be honest about that with you. You’ll need to find out first thing if this is a relationship strictly for play, one where you get together on a prescribed scheduled, or maybe just as able, and scene together. Are you open to someone who only wants to play and has no interest in a long-term relationship of any kind? Maybe someone who has one or more other submissives, and possibly even someone who would want you to interact (maybe even sexually) with their other submissives? Or are you looking for a relationship that would lead to an emotional connection, possibly even marriage? You not only need to know for yourself, but you’re going to need to be clear about that going in. Yes, there is always the possibility that you’ll start to play and one or both of you will fall in love. But I wouldn’t count on that, so if that’s what you’re looking for, be very clear about that so your potential partner knows that’s what you want and can tell you straight up if he’s not interested.

Now, decide how much time you have to devote to the relationship. A lot of people are now opting for LDR – long-distance relationships. In the age of the Internet, this is becoming popular. That’s a great option . . . if you simply want someone to issue orders for you. And you’re not sure you’ll want to follow them. Without that person there to see what’s happening and relying only on what you’ll tell them, you’re both at a distinct disadvantage. Sure, they may ask you to perform various sex acts on camera for them, but that’s not the same as a hands-on approach (not to mention that they’d better be completely trustworthy or you’ll wind up seeing your junk with a huge blue dildo sticking out of it on Yes, the relationship may come with arrangements to get together in person monthly, or quarterly, or even just once, depending on how far apart you are.  If you’re simply looking for structure and someone who seems to give a damn, this might be a good enough arrangement for you. If, however, you’re looking for sexual contact, this probably won’t cut it.

If hands-on play is really what you want, then it’s going to be more time consuming. If the relationship is 24/7, that’s easy enough, but if it’s just a play partner relationship, it can be one session per month or three per week, so make sure you have the time necessary.

Still making that list? Good. Because here we go.

If you are looking for a long-distance relationship, you should have the easiest time of all the possible scenarios. Initially, an LDR can give you an opportunity to learn someone’s style, find out what they expect, and get to know them before you possibly meet in person. If you simply don’t like the things they’re telling you to do, they may not be a good fit for you. If you were clear up front that you don’t like nipple clamps and that’s the very first thing you’re asked to do, this may not be the relationship for you. Remember, ANY Dominant is going to instruct you to do things you don’t like. That’s the nature of the relationship: Service without thought to self. (If right about now you’re thinking, “Oh, I’m in this for what I can get out of it,” perhaps you missed that little piece of info about service. Don’t. It’s very important.) So being asked to do things you may not necessarily want to do is part of it. But if you have hard limits (and you should’ve already identified those) and you’re continually being asked to cross those, you’ve got a poor fit there. An LDR can help you eliminate those before problems arise. But I’m not suggesting that you be flippant with the relationship. Ask any and all of those questions you can think of before you ever enter into the relationship.

But you’re not looking for an LDR. You want a living, breathing Dominant to stand there in front of you and tell you to strip, right? Okay. There’s one thing we need to discuss first. And you’re not going to like it, but it has to be addressed.


Yes, I said it. I know. You’re thinking, “I can’t wear a seatbelt during sex, so I don’t know what the hell this is about. I’m a grown up AND a pretty good judge of character.”

Listen up: Our cemeteries are littered with the bodies of women who thought they could trust the men they were with. You are stepping into a fetish zone in which application of pain is the norm, not the exception. Playing with anyone, even your husband or fiancĂ©, can have dangerous ramifications. You’d better know this person and know them well, or know someone else who does.

First off, before meeting up with anyone, have a series of safe calls set up. Have someone who’s expecting your call at regular intervals during the meeting, someone who won’t get interested in The Walking Dead, look up at one thirty in the morning, and go, “Oh, hell, Ann was supposed to call me at ten! I hope she’s okay . . .” Nope. It’s got to be someone who will wait for that call and act on the prescribed, agreed-upon steps if they don’t get it. And yes, calling the police should be one of those steps.

Second, if you’re meeting for the first, or even third, time, it should be in a public place with plenty of people around. You should be putting yourself in a position where you can watch this individual coming in and see what kind of car they’re driving. Make note. If you have the opportunity, jot down a license plate number or take a pic of it with your phone. If the potential Dominant you’re meeting is on the level, he won’t mind at all; matter of fact, he’ll be glad you’re taking care with your safety and encourage you to do that sort of thing. And do NOT leave the public area with this person. If you decide you’re finished with coffee and you’d like to go somewhere to eat, drive yourself. Do not be alone with him for any reason. It’s not safe.

Third, once you’ve met, ask for references. Yes, references, just like for a job. If he’s part of the community and knows the score, he’ll kind of expect that. Nothing wrong with it. Yes, one of them may be his mother. A coworker is nice. An ex-sub is even better. If he can give you the name and number of an ex-sub who maybe decided just to go with another Dominant for needs he wasn’t willing to meet, that’s great. Someone else in the fetish community would be a great reference (we’re going to talk about that later). But references are a good idea – always.

Fourth, be very, very open in that first meeting about what you want and need from the relationship. If you’ve read anything I’ve ever said on this subject, you know that I believe communication is key in all things. So let me help you here if you’re a little squeamish.

Get one of my books. Yeah, Laying a Foundation or Adventurous Me would be good choices. Find every passage that has really explicit language in it. Now, go and stand in front of the mirror and read those out loud to yourself in the mirror. Say those words. Yes, I know it’s hard at first, but do it. Practice it. If you can’t say cock or pussy out loud to a potential Dominant, you’re in trouble. Yes, you may say “fellatio,” but eventually that’ll get old. Saying those words will allow you to be clear about what it is that you want. And being clear about what you want will save you a second and third meeting if the two of you just aren’t meshing.

So now you’re thinking: Enough of this shit! I want a Dominant! When is she going to tell me how to get one? We’re almost there.

Here’s your assignment before next week: Find your kink community. There are kinky people in your community, I assure you. See if you can find some of them. Look on Fetlife (yes, get in there and get yourself an account – right now!) and find out if there’s a munch in your area. If there is, make sure it’s open to new people and then GO (but being open to new people is the purpose of a munch, so if it’s not, your local kink scene has a real problem). You shouldn’t be looking for a Dominant at this point, necessarily. Finding other submissives with whom you can talk and compare notes is a good idea. You can find out through them what’s realistic and what’s just pie-in-the-sky Fifty-Shades-Of-Gray ridiculous as an expectation.

But if your area doesn’t have a kink community (or at least one you can find), try the nearest adult store. It’s been my experience in every store I’ve visited that the clerks are not only open and friendly but also some of the most knowledgeable people you’ll find, not only about the store and their products, but about the sexual community in general. They can also tell you if there are any clubs in your area and, if so, probably give you info about someone you could contact to talk to about visiting, or take your info for that person to contact you. Or they may know of a couple of people who’d like to start some kind of group in the area but haven’t found others to meet. If you’re too shy to walk into the store or to talk to the clerk, you probably aren’t going to get very far with this whole endeavor, so man up, park in the back, and walk through that door.

Also, it may be necessary for you to drive a good distance to find a community to get involved with, so decide now if that’s something you’re willing to do, maybe monthly or every six weeks. Our nearest club is two and a half hours away. I’d gladly drive that distance once a month to get together with others if Sir were open to that – which he’s not.

And here are some links for glossaries of terms. Look them over. They can make you feel less self-conscious if you’re meeting a group of people. Knowing the lingo will help you feel like you fit in.

So get on it. You know where to start. Next week: Where to find those Doms. They’re out there, I swear, but you’ve got to be ready.

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