Asshole Doms

Yeah, they’re out there, and they’re a dime a dozen. There are more asshole Doms out there than you can shake a stick at.

I was originally of the opinion that Fifty Shades of Grey helped to bring the kink community out of the closet and into the bedroom proper, but sometimes I think it did that same community a grave disservice. The biggest problem with FSOG, as I saw it, was that readers, for the most part, did not get the moral of the story: Victims of childhood sexual abuse can be very fucked up, and that Christian Grey was indeed a very fucked-up victim of childhood sexual abuse. But once he got his healing on, he no longer needed the kink he’d been dishing out. Most readers missed that altogether.

Because of this, many have fallen into a trap that makes me weary. For some reason, they think that being a submissive is all about being beaten. So let me enlighten you.

Kink takes many different forms. Some submissives do want to be spanked, flogged, clamped, scratched, burned, cut, and generally torn apart. And that’s fine. But there are all kinds of other fetishes too. Personally, I’m a bondage and restraint kinda girl. Some are really into needle play. 

Others like the foot fetish thing. Some like wax play, or fire play, or branding. Some really get into roleplaying. From that comes age play, daddy Doms, and furries. And don’t forget latex and rubber fetishes. Lactation is another big one. And there’s cock and ball torture, ball crush torture, all kinds of things that look extremely painful to me. Some are pretty awful. Don’t get me started on breath play – I’m not going there.

In other words, if you can think of it, it can become a fetish, like food eaten off the body. Some of these fetishes do not require a Dominant, but most do, or at least another participant. And that’s where things start to go awry.

Finding a Dominant can be a tricky thing, as I outlined a few weeks ago when I did a multi-part post on that subject. Sometimes people go out and they have no idea what they’re looking for, or they do but they don’t know where to look. And sometimes what they find is nothing at all like what they were looking for.

And sometimes it is.

Here’s my thing: I read a lot of erotic romance, erotica, and BDSM-themed work. And one of the pervading themes in a good deal of it is the asshole Dominant. Don’t know what I mean?

It’s that Dominant who believes that when he walks into a room, every woman is a submissive and they should all kneel before him. What’s even more infuriating is that he talks to them like they’re trash and treats them like they’re subhuman, and they lap it up and pant after him.

Problem is, that happens in real life too. And there are lots of submissives out there who believe Dominants are supposed to be like that. So let me give you a little wake-up call here.

If you meet a Dominant like that, well, he’s not a real Dominant.

I mean, there are a few out there, I suppose, and they sometimes find submissives who eat that shit up. Most of the time when you find a relationship like that flourishing, it’s actually a Master/slave relationship and the slave isn’t always willing, but rather either coerced or forced. So how do you weed these guys out?

That’s really not very hard. If you find a Dominant who’s not a member of the fetish community locally, that’s a pretty good indication that there’s a problem. If he’s a decent human being, he’ll probably want to be a part of the community, or at the very least be a member in good standing. He may not want to go to a potluck or exchange Dirty Santa gifts, but he won’t be someone who causes eyebrows to shoot up and noses to wrinkle at the sound of his name. But if, as in the case of someone I know, he’s been told that he cannot participate in community activities, then believe me, this isn’t a simple personality conflict. There’s something terribly wrong.

One of the first questions you should ask a potential Dominant is simple: How many other subs do you have? I know of one guy who only allows a submissive to ask a finite number of questions, like two per week. Once those are asked (and by the way, he reserves the right to not answer), that’s it – no more questions. After about two months of working with him, a submissive I know asked him how many submissives he had. His answer of, “Oh, just six,” pretty well sealed his fate with her. Frankly, I’m sorry, but when he told me I only got two questions per week, I would’ve told him that we obviously weren’t meant to work or play together because that’s just plain bullshit. Turned out that this guy not only had multiple subs he was working with, but he also had a wife at home who had no idea what he was up to. Not cool.

And there are lots of Doms out there who belittle their submissives. If that’s what the submissive has signed on for, that’s okay, I suppose. But if they only do it because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do, well, that’s not okay. If they do it because they get off on it and they don’t care how their submissive feels about it, that’s really not okay.

Oh, and here’s one: The Dominant who has a submissive because he can’t afford a housekeeper. He thinks that’s what a submissive does – she cooks and cleans and does his laundry. That’s her primary purpose in life, serving him. That’s not what submission is about. Any woman who lets herself be used that way, unless she’s signed on for it as a slave, is an idiot.

And there are idiots out there. There are women out there who think they want a Dominant so badly that they’ll do anything they’re told. Some of them will drive miles and miles to find a Dom, or someone who calls themself that. So ladies, here’s a little reality check.

If you talk to him on the phone and he wants to meet in person immediately, run. If he tells you what to wear the very first time you’re going to meet, tell him to go fuck himself. If you ask him a question and he tells you that he doesn’t have to answer because he’s the Dom, walk away because that’s bullshit. If you never hear a kind word from him, or he makes any reference to you being unattractive in any way, tell him to kiss your ass and refuse further contact. Are you hearing me?

A true Dominant may be just that, dominant, but he’s also respectful of his submissive. He’s genuinely interested in her wellbeing and her desires. His primary goal is to build up the submissive’s confidence and trust, and to always have her best interests at heart. And I’m not talking about a love relationship either; I’m talking about a person who is strong of character and moral fiber, and who desires to see everyone become the best they can be. He isn’t necessarily in love with his submissive, nor is he looking to find a submissive with whom he can fall in love, but he loves the submissive he works with as a person and desires to see her fulfilled and satisfied. Most true dominants are very community-oriented, very socially conscious, and very service driven. They’re practicing as a Dominant not to take, but to give. And in the process, they get their own needs met.

The poser Dom, on the other hand, is looking to get his own needs met and doesn’t really care how that happens. He sometimes even leads his submissive into risky practices, like sex without a condom, or in ways or places that could potentially cause them to run afoul of the law. He instructs them to expose themselves in public, or to wear clothing that would be considered inappropriate or cause them to be poorly thought of in settings where it could make a huge difference, as in their child’s school or in the workplace.

He also indulges in practices that are outside their comfort zone. Before you have some kind of fit, let me tell you that yes, it’s perfectly okay for a Dominant to require a submissive to do something they really don’t want to do. That’s part of Dominance. If you have a submissive who really doesn’t want to give you a blow job, it’s your responsibility to help them learn to at least tolerate that so your needs are met. It’s also your responsibility to teach them how to do that, and it’s your responsibility to honor their safeword if they just can’t seem to handle it. That’s when negotiations come into play and everyone has to find some kind of common ground. But any Dominant who insists on fellatio three times a day when they know their submissive absolutely hates it and is perfectly willing to meet their needs in another way?

He’s an asshole.

They’re just normal, average guys, maybe even someone you think you know, but they draw on those leathers and, BAM, they’re Super Dom. They strut around like they own everything and everyone, and they act like it too. It’s like Billy Badass meets Christian Grey.

They think the title of Dominant is a position of privilege. They don’t get that it’s actually a position of service.

And there you have it – the asshole Dom. If he says, “Yeah, sure, I’m a Dominant. I love to tie women up and whip them,” tell him to go crawl back under his rock because you’re looking for a real Dominant. If he gets all puffed up and starts telling you how you need to shut up and kneel in such-and-such position, he’s an asshole Dom. But if he starts laughing and tells you, “Would you like to have dinner sometime and talk?”

There's a really good chance that he’s a keeper.