Saturday, October 4, 2014

Why women don't want to have sex

I got into an interesting conversation with someone about a little over a week ago. We were talking about men and women and sex and our conversation was quite pointed in some regards. It set me to thinking about a great many things, but there was one thing I kept coming back to.

Why don’t women want to have sex?

Men ask that question all the time. There are even jokes about it: What’s the best birth control you can get? Wedding cake.


But seriously, men do ask this question all the time, or some variation of it. Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex? Why isn’t my wife interested in sex? How do I get my wife to want sex? Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex anymore?

I have some really bad news for you, fellas. Really bad news. Your wife really does want to have sex.

She just doesn’t want to have it with you.

Okay, studly, now pick your jaw up off the floor and listen up. I’m going to tell you the truth, and you won’t like it, but you should probably pay attention. And I know what I’m talking about. So here goes.

First of all, here’s a truth: For men, in the arousal process, there comes a point of no return. It’s that place where, no matter what happens, he’s going to finish. It’s inevitable. There will be release for him, short of him getting run over by a train. Yeah, that’ll probably ruin his happy ending. But otherwise, he’s going to get it.

Women, on the other hand, don’t have this safety net. One wrong move, one stupid gesture, one nasty comment, and it’s over for her and the whole process has to start again. Most of the time, she’ll just tell you to not bother and roll over and go to sleep. Why? Because she knows the second time will be as frustrating and uneventful as the first. Shame, too.

Second, here’s another truth: What works for you will not work for her. Let me say this again so that you get it.


What do I mean? I know how you stroke yourselves. I know how you like for us to stroke you. And that kind of stroking will not work on us. Our bodies don’t respond to anything that frantic and harsh. Sometimes they will, but not usually. It’s a rarity. Not only that, but if we’re stroking you and we quit, you get all upset. But for most women (not all, but most), pausing momentarily and giving pleasure somewhere else only makes her more sensitive when you return to the previous activity. Not kidding. It really does work. And unless a woman is adequately aroused, she’s not going to have an orgasm from vaginal sex. Isn’t going to happen.

Third, it’s a damn shame I should have to tell you this, but I must: Just because you enjoyed it doesn’t mean she did. So you got your grand finale, and because it felt good to you, you’re pretty sure it felt good to her too. Not necessarily. Trust me, being your own personal cum dump doesn’t do a damn thing for her. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It’s just become all about you and not at all about her.

Fourth, here’s one that you not might know: By nature, women’s bodies work in an orderly fashion. Here’s what I mean: If you give a woman an orgasm through manual stimulation, her body is automatically going to want vaginal sex, possibly even beg for it. It’s inevitable. Why, you ask? Because it was nature’s way of making sure that pregnancy took place. It’s all about the chemicals released during sex (don’t make me go into all that detail, please – it’ll suck all the fun out of this post) and the way they change the body as they are synthesized. They’re mostly things like dopamine and serotonin and stuff like that, neurotransmitters, and they’re all-important in the sexual satisfaction process. I know, it’s complicated. It’s chemistry. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about anyway?

That was a joke. Chill out. This is not a college chemistry course, and no, there is no opportunity for extra credit.

Fifth, and remember I said this: Grow your ass up. No woman wants to fuck a guy who acts like a twelve year old. Don’t know what I mean? Leave a mess in the kitchen. Drop your dirty clothes in the floor. Drive her car and leave it on empty. Stop at the store and get only the things you want when you know she has a list a mile long. Sit around and watch TV while she works her ass off. Complain about how you don't want to go down on her because you just don't care about it and it doesn't do anything for you.

And whine like a little bitch about how you don’t get enough sex. Oh, yeah, that works every time, right?

Sixth and finally: Did it ever occur to you to ask her what she wants? You know, you might just try that. You might be surprised at what she says. Of course, there is one difficulty here. It’s probably been so long since you’ve asked her or cared what she said if you did ask that, bless her heart, she has no idea what she needs or wants. She probably used to know, but by now she’s completely forgotten. She doesn’t remember what feels good, or what got her aroused, or what she needs to feel “in the mood.” And that brings me to something else entirely.

I see the windup for the pitch. No rotten tomatoes, please, but ladies, I’m going to drag you into the fray. And here’s what I want to say to you.

Talk to him. Tell him what you want and need. Use your mouth for more than bitching. Be specific. Stop him if it doesn’t feel good. Tell him, “A little to the left, honey.” If he’s trying but obviously doesn’t understand, try to explain. You may even have to demonstrate, so get over any shyness. You’re naked, after all. How much harder can it be to talk to him? If he just doesn’t get it but he’s trying, tell him maybe you can practice sometime in the daylight. Buy some books. Go to the adult store together and look at some things you might want to try. In short, communicate. If you don’t, it’s no one’s fault but your own.

But if you do and he just doesn’t seem to care and just goes on his merry way, as I see it, you’ve got two options. You can just grin and bear it.

Or you can go find yourself a man who really does care. Because in case you haven’t figured it out by now, life’s too short to put up with pitiful sex.


  1. Great post! It's interesting but I read a book a while ago when I was first learning how to write sex scenes. I got a book called How to Write Hot Sex: Tips from Multi-Published Erotic Romance Authors. One of the last chapters was called: Biology: The Good, The Bad, & the Sex Scene by Jean Johnson. In it she describes the 'science' and 'biology' behind a male orgasm and a female orgasm. At first it seems that females got the raw end of the stick (the guy gets off quickly, leaving the woman wanting because she is still ready to go for more), but as she writes you see why our orgasms are made the way they are (woman can have multiple orgasms and stay sexually aroused for long periods of time/men usually only have one orgasm and become aroused quickly, but once they cum their arousal quickly diminishes). Then you learn that that's what wooing or foreplay is for, to arouse the woman, give her an orgasm or two then the male and female have sex where the man can orgasm.
    I have to say this was the chapter that most stuck out for me. It was really interesting and supports exactly what you are saying here.

    1. Thanks for the comment, Elizabeth! And Jean was right on the money. There is one important thing she may not have touched on, though. In primitive society, members of a clan shared EVERYTHING - and that included women. That meant, of course, that if she continued to want sex, once her original partner climaxed and was finished, another stepped in and took his place. That further insured that she became pregnant which, of course, increased the odds of the species continuing. Nature had a reason for everything it designed, but I wish we knew what all of them are! Thanks for reading. :-)

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. He deleted it so I'm putting it back in - my friend Ken's new blog, A Couples Guide to Sexual Satisfaction ( It's nice to have a male perspective! <3

    2. Thanks Deanndra. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to get a free ride off your post. I appreciate you sharing my blog, thank you! Love that your spreading the same msg that I discuss on my blog. Couples need to feel they can communicate openly and honestly about what does and doesn't feel good to them.


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