Asshole Doms

Yeah, they’re out there, and they’re a dime a dozen. There are more asshole Doms out there than you can shake a stick at.

I was originally of the opinion that Fifty Shades of Grey helped to bring the kink community out of the closet and into the bedroom proper, but sometimes I think it did that same community a grave disservice. The biggest problem with FSOG, as I saw it, was that readers, for the most part, did not get the moral of the story: Victims of childhood sexual abuse can be very fucked up, and that Christian Grey was indeed a very fucked-up victim of childhood sexual abuse. But once he got his healing on, he no longer needed the kink he’d been dishing out. Most readers missed that altogether.

Because of this, many have fallen into a trap that makes me weary. For some reason, they think that being a submissive is all about being beaten. So let me enlighten you.

Kink takes many different forms. Some submissives do want to be spanked, flogged, clamped, scratched, burned, cut, and generally torn apart. And that’s fine. But there are all kinds of other fetishes too. Personally, I’m a bondage and restraint kinda girl. Some are really into needle play. 

Others like the foot fetish thing. Some like wax play, or fire play, or branding. Some really get into roleplaying. From that comes age play, daddy Doms, and furries. And don’t forget latex and rubber fetishes. Lactation is another big one. And there’s cock and ball torture, ball crush torture, all kinds of things that look extremely painful to me. Some are pretty awful. Don’t get me started on breath play – I’m not going there.

In other words, if you can think of it, it can become a fetish, like food eaten off the body. Some of these fetishes do not require a Dominant, but most do, or at least another participant. And that’s where things start to go awry.

Finding a Dominant can be a tricky thing, as I outlined a few weeks ago when I did a multi-part post on that subject. Sometimes people go out and they have no idea what they’re looking for, or they do but they don’t know where to look. And sometimes what they find is nothing at all like what they were looking for.

And sometimes it is.

Here’s my thing: I read a lot of erotic romance, erotica, and BDSM-themed work. And one of the pervading themes in a good deal of it is the asshole Dominant. Don’t know what I mean?

It’s that Dominant who believes that when he walks into a room, every woman is a submissive and they should all kneel before him. What’s even more infuriating is that he talks to them like they’re trash and treats them like they’re subhuman, and they lap it up and pant after him.

Problem is, that happens in real life too. And there are lots of submissives out there who believe Dominants are supposed to be like that. So let me give you a little wake-up call here.

If you meet a Dominant like that, well, he’s not a real Dominant.

I mean, there are a few out there, I suppose, and they sometimes find submissives who eat that shit up. Most of the time when you find a relationship like that flourishing, it’s actually a Master/slave relationship and the slave isn’t always willing, but rather either coerced or forced. So how do you weed these guys out?

That’s really not very hard. If you find a Dominant who’s not a member of the fetish community locally, that’s a pretty good indication that there’s a problem. If he’s a decent human being, he’ll probably want to be a part of the community, or at the very least be a member in good standing. He may not want to go to a potluck or exchange Dirty Santa gifts, but he won’t be someone who causes eyebrows to shoot up and noses to wrinkle at the sound of his name. But if, as in the case of someone I know, he’s been told that he cannot participate in community activities, then believe me, this isn’t a simple personality conflict. There’s something terribly wrong.

One of the first questions you should ask a potential Dominant is simple: How many other subs do you have? I know of one guy who only allows a submissive to ask a finite number of questions, like two per week. Once those are asked (and by the way, he reserves the right to not answer), that’s it – no more questions. After about two months of working with him, a submissive I know asked him how many submissives he had. His answer of, “Oh, just six,” pretty well sealed his fate with her. Frankly, I’m sorry, but when he told me I only got two questions per week, I would’ve told him that we obviously weren’t meant to work or play together because that’s just plain bullshit. Turned out that this guy not only had multiple subs he was working with, but he also had a wife at home who had no idea what he was up to. Not cool.

And there are lots of Doms out there who belittle their submissives. If that’s what the submissive has signed on for, that’s okay, I suppose. But if they only do it because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do, well, that’s not okay. If they do it because they get off on it and they don’t care how their submissive feels about it, that’s really not okay.

Oh, and here’s one: The Dominant who has a submissive because he can’t afford a housekeeper. He thinks that’s what a submissive does – she cooks and cleans and does his laundry. That’s her primary purpose in life, serving him. That’s not what submission is about. Any woman who lets herself be used that way, unless she’s signed on for it as a slave, is an idiot.

And there are idiots out there. There are women out there who think they want a Dominant so badly that they’ll do anything they’re told. Some of them will drive miles and miles to find a Dom, or someone who calls themself that. So ladies, here’s a little reality check.

If you talk to him on the phone and he wants to meet in person immediately, run. If he tells you what to wear the very first time you’re going to meet, tell him to go fuck himself. If you ask him a question and he tells you that he doesn’t have to answer because he’s the Dom, walk away because that’s bullshit. If you never hear a kind word from him, or he makes any reference to you being unattractive in any way, tell him to kiss your ass and refuse further contact. Are you hearing me?

A true Dominant may be just that, dominant, but he’s also respectful of his submissive. He’s genuinely interested in her wellbeing and her desires. His primary goal is to build up the submissive’s confidence and trust, and to always have her best interests at heart. And I’m not talking about a love relationship either; I’m talking about a person who is strong of character and moral fiber, and who desires to see everyone become the best they can be. He isn’t necessarily in love with his submissive, nor is he looking to find a submissive with whom he can fall in love, but he loves the submissive he works with as a person and desires to see her fulfilled and satisfied. Most true dominants are very community-oriented, very socially conscious, and very service driven. They’re practicing as a Dominant not to take, but to give. And in the process, they get their own needs met.

The poser Dom, on the other hand, is looking to get his own needs met and doesn’t really care how that happens. He sometimes even leads his submissive into risky practices, like sex without a condom, or in ways or places that could potentially cause them to run afoul of the law. He instructs them to expose themselves in public, or to wear clothing that would be considered inappropriate or cause them to be poorly thought of in settings where it could make a huge difference, as in their child’s school or in the workplace.

He also indulges in practices that are outside their comfort zone. Before you have some kind of fit, let me tell you that yes, it’s perfectly okay for a Dominant to require a submissive to do something they really don’t want to do. That’s part of Dominance. If you have a submissive who really doesn’t want to give you a blow job, it’s your responsibility to help them learn to at least tolerate that so your needs are met. It’s also your responsibility to teach them how to do that, and it’s your responsibility to honor their safeword if they just can’t seem to handle it. That’s when negotiations come into play and everyone has to find some kind of common ground. But any Dominant who insists on fellatio three times a day when they know their submissive absolutely hates it and is perfectly willing to meet their needs in another way?

He’s an asshole.

They’re just normal, average guys, maybe even someone you think you know, but they draw on those leathers and, BAM, they’re Super Dom. They strut around like they own everything and everyone, and they act like it too. It’s like Billy Badass meets Christian Grey.

They think the title of Dominant is a position of privilege. They don’t get that it’s actually a position of service.

And there you have it – the asshole Dom. If he says, “Yeah, sure, I’m a Dominant. I love to tie women up and whip them,” tell him to go crawl back under his rock because you’re looking for a real Dominant. If he gets all puffed up and starts telling you how you need to shut up and kneel in such-and-such position, he’s an asshole Dom. But if he starts laughing and tells you, “Would you like to have dinner sometime and talk?”

There's a really good chance that he’s a keeper.

Submissive ≠ Passive

I think it’s time we cleared up a common misconception. Look at the title of this blog post. Yep. That’s the one.

What made me want to write about this? Well, I was talking to a friend of mine one day at lunch and we were talking about my books. I brought up the subject of BDSM, and she instantly wrinkled her nose. She then commenced to spew some comments about women and how hard they’d fought to get out of the kitchen, about how she couldn’t imagine any self-respecting woman “letting” a man do that kind of thing to her, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseam.

I don’t think she’d ever noticed my collar.

I decided not to try to explain to her. There was nothing I could say that would make sense to her anyway. Unless you’re a person who enjoys restraints and gets off on the feel of the whip, you can’t understand. Or maybe you could, but you’re not about to admit it. There are a lot of those out there.

But one of the pervading ideas I’ve heard over and over is that submissives are the weaker of the pairing within a D/s relationship. And I’ve read more than a few BDSM romances, at least a couple of series too, in which the submissive is this fair, frail little flower who just bends to the will of her master. Oh, yeah, she’s bratty sometimes, but in the end, she just submits and leaves her self behind (yes, I meant that to be two words). She’s indecisive, or mousy, or just basically inert. Here’s the definition of passive from Dictionary.com:

Not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling. Not participating readily or actively; inactive. Not involving visible reaction or active participation. To play a passive role. Inert or quiescent. Influenced, acted upon, or affected by some external force, cause, or agency; being the object of action rather than causing action (opposed to active ).

I tried to think of something that would be a good illustration, and then I remembered something I was told by a minister once. He was recollecting his seminary days, and he was talking about allowing their god to be in control. But he remembered a group of students there at the seminary who were so focused on this point of teaching that they would literally stop and pray to ask if they should go out to buy a tube of toothpaste. Without a direct confirmation of what they were supposed to do coming from their god, they’d just sit there without any toothpaste.

And just last week, I had the TV on and caught a commercial for ChristianMingle.com. The slogan was something like, “Sometimes we wait for god to make the next move, while god is saying, ‘It’s your time to act. The next move is yours.’” I instantly thought about how that translates into a Dominant and submissive relationship, and it really does.

So let’s look at the definition of submissive, again from Dictionary.com:

Inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants. Marked by or indicating submission or an instance of yielding to the authority of another.

There’s a huge, huge difference between the two. I know some of you still don’t see it. So let me try to help you out.

Let’s talk about dentists.

If you’re a submissive person and you have a toothache, you make an appointment with a dentist. When the time comes, you get dressed, brush your teeth (of course), and head out. When you get there, they call you to come back and sit in the chair. Then the dentist comes in. You don’t want to do this. It’s not fun. You’re pretty sure it’s going to hurt, and although you know it’ll be better in the end, this isn’t your idea of a fun way to spend an afternoon. But truth is, you know you need to do this. So you submit and let the dentist numb your mouth, do his worst, and send you home. And while you’re miserable for a little while, in a short time you’re glad you went because when the pain of his work is finally gone, so is the toothache.

But the passive person wouldn’t do that. They’d wait until they had a massive abscess, then it turned to sepsis, and they’d be unconscious before someone took them to the hospital and actually took care of the thing. They’re waiting for outside forces to work on them. They don’t initiate anything.

I know what you’re thinking: No one would do that. So let me ask you something. How do most submissives find a Dominant? Do you know? Well, I can tell you this: They don’t sit at home and wait for one to come by and knock on their door. They go out looking. They make their intentions clear. They find a way to get involved in a situation where they can meet a Dom or Domme who will fulfill their needs.

And here’s another characteristic of a submissive: They communicate. They talk about their needs and desires. They look for a Dominant who is compatible, someone who is able to deliver what it is that they crave.

Look at that definition again. Inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another. Inclined. Ready. Yield.

So let me make this clear: These BDSM stories you read where the man walks into the room and the woman instantly knows she’s supposed to fall at his feet and obey him?

Bullshit.

That’s right, I call bullshit. Any woman who was really like that would probably be dead in a few weeks because she’d walk right into the most abusive relationship that anyone could possibly imagine. Yes, there are men out there looking for women like that, and those women do exist. But I wouldn’t call them submissives.

I’d call them doormats.

A passive individual would go to a club and sit down, then just wait for someone to come along and ask them to scene. A submissive interacts, tries to meet people, wants to know what they’re about and if they’re someone who would make a good play partner or Dominant. In short, a true submissive takes responsibility for having their own needs met by interacting with people in the community until they find someone who’s willing to do what they need done.

If you’ve read anything at all in the BDSM realm, you’ve heard about safewords and how they’re used. And there’s nothing that makes a true Dominant sadder than a submissive who’ll refuse to use a safeword to the point that they’re injured. It’s a terrible burden for a Dominant to carry, and something that they all dread, at least if they’ve got a conscience. A true Dominant is looking for a submissive who’ll be in control of themselves, enough so to communicate what they want, how much is too much, and when they’ve had all they can take. The Dominant’s job is to then push them just a tiny little bit farther to challenge their boundaries, and then back off and give them the aftercare they need.

But that Dominant is depending on the submissive to do this. A passive person wouldn’t be able to. They’d let the Dominant do as they pleased and run great risk of being injured simply because they were waiting for someone or something to act on them, not being a participant in their own life.

Speaking from a personal aspect, as a submissive, my role is simple. Sir expects me to communicate what I want, and I don’t mean just in the bedroom. “Oh, nothing” is not an acceptable answer. Neither is “Never mind.” “I don’t care” won’t work either. We talk. It’s a give and take. That kind of interaction is why, when scening with a play partner, scenes are negotiated. Questions are asked, questions like, “If this is something you want, how many lashes are you accustomed to receiving?” Or, “Does this frighten you? Why? Is there a trigger here, something that might cause a past issue to come to the forefront in a negative way?” Dominants want to know these things. The encounter is supposed to be mutually satisfying.

In short, the D/s lifestyle was never intended to give the Dominant free rein over another person. Even in Master/slave arrangements, a real Master/Mistress wants to know what the slave is thinking, what their needs are, and how to meet those while having his or her own needs met. The lifestyle doesn’t work if only one person is being satisfied. Most Dominants are trying to find ways to drive their submissive higher and higher into subspace, not ways to control and oppress them. In return, they expect to have their own needs met, and a true submissive will gratefully pleasure their Dom/Domme because of the pleasure they’ve received from him/her.

A true submissive is far from passive and weak. In fact, there is something empowering and strengthening about being able to tell another person what you need, rather than just expecting them to read your mind. That mind reading thing? It’s the reason why so many sexual relationships are unsatisfactory. No one can read your mind. And it takes a very strong person to be able to submit their body to another and trust that they’re safe and will have their needs met.

I’m a submissive, and I’m far from passive. Just ask Sir. He’ll gladly tell you.

Hooker shoes!

Hooker shoes. Ah, we all love them, don’t we? Well, some don’t. I do. Sort of. But they’re a staple in the kink community, and in our sex-addicted society as well. (Don’t think I’m bashing sex addicts – I’m sure they make up a percentage of my readership.)

I’ve often wondered what it is about them, and I’ve given that some thought. When you write erotica and erotic romance, yeah, you think about those things. Not always productive, but you still think about them. Here are some of the answers I’ve come up with based on what I’ve read and what I’ve seen, not to mention my own hooker shoes, of which there are many.

They’re pretty: Well, they are. Very pretty. They come in all kinds of sparkly configurations, and some are lit up from the bottom. Some are clear acrylic so any lights on a dance floor shine up through them. I have a pair covered in rainbow sequins – VERY pretty. A good number of them have sequins and beads and jewels on them, and everyone loves those.

They can be very artistic: I’ve seen some that were beyond belief. I don’t know who came up with the ideas, but they’re pretty cool, albeit in a warped, nonsensical way. But I love that people have gone to such great lengths to take the lowly shoe and turn it into a piece of art. Well, maybe not lowly. If it’s a platform or stiletto, it’s pretty lofty.

They make us look taller and make our legs look longer: I’m 5’3”, but with a good pair of platforms, I’m 5’6”. That makes me pretty happy. Plus I already have long legs for my height, and they just make my legs look longer still. I like that. Most women do. Guys really dig it. It’s a beautiful thing.

They make us feel pretty: Who wouldn’t feel pretty in something that, quite frankly, looks like a princess shoe? Remember those silly plastic high heels in the toy department, the ones with the elastic straps? And how we loved wearing those things? We liked them because they made us feel like princesses. And now, as a grownup, we can feel that way again in some sparkly, high heeled wonders. Of course we like that! Matter of fact, the caption under these babies was, “If a hooker went to the prom, this is what her shoes would look like.” BOOM! They’re on the “gotta-have” list.

They’re sexy, sexy, sexy: I remember Sir asking me, “Can you actually walk in these things?” My reply?

“I only have to make it from the bathroom to the bed.”

Well, it was true. I put them and some frillies on, then march out and let nature take its course. And it does – in gangbusters. Oh. Probably not the best word. But you know what I mean. I don’t think there’s a guy alive who wouldn’t like to see his baby walk into their boudoir in a pair of these babies. I hear the feel of the heel digging into your back is very erotic, although I wouldn’t know that for a fact. It’s just hearsay but, based on the response I got, I’d say it’s probably very accurate hearsay.

Doesn’t matter if you can’t hold a rhythm, you dance in them and you look like a pole dancer: It’s true. Just get out on the dance floor in them and start moving around. It doesn’t matter if you look like PeeWee Herman – people will notice, and usually in a good way. Now, if you’re all spastic, maybe not, but usually just a gentle sway of the hips and swing of the arms and, in platforms or stilettos, you’re all set. Seriously. Try it. You’ll be amazed at what a good “dancer” you suddenly become.

Okay - I really don't know what to think about these.
I just had to throw them in.
It kinda looks like Carmen Miranda
got lost in DSW.

There is always the chance that someone will hand you money: Wear a pair of stilettos or platforms in the right places and expect fives and tens to come your way. Just say something like, “Sure! Hand me your camera and I’ll take your picture!” or, “How did you know I needed (place monetary denomination here)?” They’ll be embarrassed that they mistook you for a hooker – well, most of them will – and you’ll be a little richer. If that happens enough, BAM – they’ve paid for themselves.

I’ll tell you a little secret: If you want to try some of these out but you don’t want to pay a fortune for them, go to your local Goodwill or consignment shops. They get them in the box loads. Why? Women buy them and then don’t want to even try them. But I say, hell yeah – if you’re steady enough on your feet that you won’t fall over just standing still, get a pair and wear them. And if you are unsteady, don’t worry. Just announce that you’re going to wear them and you’ll be amazed at the number of offers you have to help hold you up as you go. It’ll happen. Just don’t buy shoes with asses on them. You want them looking at your ass, not the ones on your shoes.

Finding Your Dominant, Part Three

You’ve been waiting, so let’s get down to the meat and bones of it, shall we?

It can be hard to find a play partner, Dominant, top, Master, submissive, bottom, whomever you’re looking for, in some areas. It’s hard enough as it is without the area you live in factored in. Even if you live in a very large, open community, it’s still hard to connect. So let’s go over a few ways you can do that. Some of these you’ve probably come up with on your own, but maybe I’ve got a few here that will help.

One place you can do that is Craigslist.

But please don’t.

So let’s see if we can find you some places to look that will be a little better than that. And if not, well, here we go.

As the realtors all say . . .

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Craigslist and other local personal ads and boards

As I said before, please, just don’t. But if you just have to, you should follow some basic guidelines.

If you have a local paper, you might want to check their personal ads. There is the remotest possibility that you might actually find someone that way. Very remote. But give it a go. You’d be surprised at who you might find there. Of course, there is the always-difficult task of bringing up the subject, and regardless that they’re right near you, you’ll still need to follow the same safety procedures. As for introducing the idea of kink? We’ll get to that later.

Look for ads that mention wanting someone strong, intelligent and decisive. Fun and playful are good descriptions too, but they can carry meanings you don’t want. When you contact this person, do not come right out and ask if they would want a relationship that includes D/s, M/s, TPE, or any other kind of kink or play. Lots of guys would jump on that even if they didn’t really know what it meant. Be cautious. Then follow all of the safety guidelines already laid out, and more if you know of some that would help.

You might even think about putting out your own personal ad. Open an email account with an online provider specifically for this purpose. Then interact with anyone who contacts you and see what you think.

Once you’ve had a chance to get to know this person a little, ask if they’re into any particular lifestyles that you might be interested in. If they’re kinky, they’ll know what you’re talking about. If not, they may say boating, or softball, or NASCAR. That means they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. You can broach the subject, but be very careful, as I stated before. You want them to throw the idea out to you, not give them ideas that they possibly didn’t have before. You’re not in a position to train a Dominant. That’s not what you need. So move on.

Fetlife

Fetlife is one of your better alternatives. If all you’re really looking for is an LDR, Fetlife is the place. You’ll be able to find someone there and, if they don’t work out, you can just look for another. Yeah, I don’t put a lot of stock in LDRs, but it is what it is, although it’s a great way to get your feet wet and get some experience before you launch into a real-life relationship.

But remember: There are creeps on Fetlife too, lots of them. I had a run-in with one last weekend. You might get lucky the first time, who knows? Again, if you get a chance to meet this person in the flesh, follow the safety rules. But there’s a much, much better way to meet someone on Fetlife. Hint: If his profile pic is his penis? Nah. Keep scrolling.

Look for a local munch. They have boards on Fetlife where local gatherings are listed. If you don’t know what a munch is, here’s a crash course. I won’t give you the history; just know that it’s a getting-to-know-each-other get-together within the kink community. Munches are usually held at restaurants. Fetwear is discouraged, since it’s a public gathering and maintaining the confidentiality of the other members is important. This is the best possible place to meet someone within the kink community. While it’s true that many areas, especially smaller or bible-belt areas, don’t have a community that has those kinds of gatherings, you can usually find one a few miles away. Traveling a few hours might even be a good idea; close enough to get to know them, far enough away to retreat if you sense anything hinky going down.

So go to the munch. If asked, make it crystal clear what you’re looking for. These are the people you should be able to do that with. Don’t be overbearing, but do be outgoing if you can manage it through your nervousness. You’ll pick up on the dynamic pretty quickly. If there seems to be a person who’s the group “leader,” you might even ask that person if you could talk with them privately sometime to let them know what you’re about and ask if there’s anyone in the group who might meet that criteria and might also be interested. They can be great guides.

Mutual friends

This is the absolute best way to find someone who can meet your needs. Just like with any other relationship, meeting someone through friends is safer and you stand a better chance of finding the right person (not to mention the safety factor). If you’re really close friends, you might want to confide in them regarding your actual wishes. If you live in an area like mine, however, you won’t want to say a damn thing. In that instance, you’ll want to find a way to talk about your desires. As I said before, we’ll get to that later.

Do know, however, that if you try to get in a hurry and introduce the idea to a friend-matched date too soon, you run the risk of everyone in your social circle finding out that you asked for kink. And while that sounds like a bad thing, it could just work to your advantage!

Regular dates with suggestions

You can always just go through the regular “dating” channels. It is true, however, that finding someone on an internet dating site might be far easier. In the relative comfort of anonymity, one can ask things of another that they might not be able to ask in person, so give that some thought. The wise thing to do might be to create a dating profile with a fictitious name and use that until you find someone who seems compatible and comfortably kinky. Then come clean: Tell them that you were using a name other than your own for safety purposes. Anyone who couldn’t understand that is an idiot and not worth your time. If the individual is a true Dominant, they’ll more than understand; they’ll be glad you were being cautious until you could trust them. Your safety and health will be their top concern. But be careful about the "suggestions." More about that in a few.

Events

If you live in an area where there are lifestyle events, those could be a good place to look, although the possibility of finding someone there is remote. If you can get yourself invited to a play party through a munch, then go. And if you run into a good possibility for a play partner there, pursue it – if that’s what you’re looking for. Even if the event is something that's put together for a purpose other than yours - say it's a gay pride event - it still has the potential to draw out people who are more open-minded when it comes to sex. And that can be a plus for you.

The hard part

Yes, there is a hard part. There's always a hard part. So let’s talk about that.

If you’ve determined what you want, that might make it a little easier. If you’ve decided that all you want is a play partner (or string of play partners), that is the easiest possible role to fill. Since you’re not looking for an emotional attachment to this person, or if so, just a friendship kind of connection, it will be simple to just lay it all out there. Saying something like, “You need to know up front that I have unusual needs and you may or may not be willing to meet them,” or, “I tend to lean to the kinky side,” may be the best way to approach it. They’ll expect that if you meet them within the community; if not, be clear that all you’re looking for is the physical aspect of a relationship. If they’re actually looking for a long-term partner, they’ll either go into it knowing that you’re not, or they’ll pass altogether. In that instance, keep looking. And if you’re looking for nothing but non-emotionally-attached play partners, you’ll be looking for more than one anyway, am I right?

Also, being crystal clear about what you’re looking for is crucial. If you’re not looking for sex but rather discipline or punishment, any potential play partner needs to know that up front. And no, it’s not always about sex. An experienced kinkster already knows that, though.

If, however, you’re looking for a long-term relationship complete with emotional connection and true partnership, it becomes a little trickier. Things become difficult when you’re trying to forge a relationship with someone whose kinky proclivities are in question. But you have a powerful tool in your arsenal. Any idea what that might be?

Humor. It’s time to pull out some old, stale jokes and try them out. You’d be surprised what that can accomplish. A comment like, “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I got tied up. Not literally, though. I save that for bedtime,” can be an icebreaker. Insert the appropriate snicker, and see what kind of response you get. If they stare at you like a deer in headlights, that’s probably a bad sign. If, however, they respond with a joke of their own, you may be onto something.

Working good, seemingly-benign questions into a conversation helps too. Perhaps you can get them to start to talk about music, movies, and books, and then ask, “So what kind of books do you like?” When they ask you about your taste in books in return (and if they don’t, they’re a self-absorbed bastard who doesn’t deserve someone as nice as you), tell them that you read a lot of erotica or erotic romance, or perhaps say, “The last thing I read? Um, I think it was Fifty Shades of Grey and I really, really liked it.” That’s enough to give them the hint. If they’re appalled, you’re not on the right track. If they say something like, “That’s cool,” then you can always counter with, “Have you ever read anything like that?” and see what they say. If, however, they say, “That was a pitiful example of the BDSM lifestyle,” then BINGO! You’ve hit the jackpot. Pursue, pursue, pursue. You might not get another chance that clear-cut and easy.

If you say, “Which adult store here is the best?” and you get, “I don’t know. Want to go check them out?” you might have something you can work with. If he can answer the original question in three seconds, there’s an even better possibility. If, however, he wrinkles his nose and says, “I’d never go into a place like that,” just try to have a nice time for the rest of the evening and then don’t make another date. Unless, of course, he says, “I’d never go into a place like that. I have a great online supplier of all things kinky.” And then, my friend, you’re ready to rock.

But I will warn you: If you’re a Domme looking for someone to top, your job is going to be twice as difficult. Unless they’ve already got that desire, you’ll have trouble getting a guy to let you top him. Why? Because vanilla guys think that’s a sign of weakness, and they’re never going to let you experiment with that. End of story. It takes a guy who’s very, very secure in his masculinity to admit to those desires. If you find one, you’d better hang onto him.

The Guy in Your Bed

If you’re interested in the lifestyle but you’re already attached and he’s hopelessly vanilla, you’ve got a decision to make. Is this important enough to you to cut him loose and look elsewhere? Or do you love him enough to just go on your vanilla way? If you try to pursue kink on the sly and you get caught (and you WILL get caught), you may wind up cut loose even if that’s not what you want, so know that when you go out looking for someone to help you get your groove on, fetish lifestyle-speaking.

If he seems interested, however, a word of caution: Do NOT buy bondage porn to show to him. Bondage porn tends to be the extreme end of bondage and it will NOT help your case. At all. Period. It will scare the shit out of him and he’ll run for the hills. Instead, accompany him to the local adult store and explore the toys, tools, and implements available there. Let him pick out something he thinks he could use in play. Don’t be heavy-handed; it’s his time for exploration, and you can help to guide, but don’t be bossy. If you’re the Domme in the relationship, showing him the various implements and helping him to understand that he’ll always have a safe out if it’s too intense can help him give you input as to what he’s willing to try.

A word of caution

I hinted at this earlier, and now I have to say it straight out: Be careful. How you ask about their sexual preferences is very, very tricky. You can find a Dom in about ten minutes if you say, “I love to be tied up and spanked.” Most guys will jump on that bandwagon. It sounds sexy and fun, and they may not have ever been with a woman who would let them even try something like that.

That does not make them a Dominant.

So if you give them that “suggestion,” you may very well wind up with someone right away who won’t be able to meet your needs in the long run because he was never really a Dom. Oh, yeah, he may be able to keep it up for awhile, but the first time he says, “Oh, no, I don’t feel like doing that shit tonight,” well, you’ve just hit the wall. Don’t put ideas in some guy’s head if he doesn’t already have them. That’s just asking for trouble or, at the very least, disappointment. And better to be disappointed fifteen minutes into the first date than six months into a relationship where you’ve got an emotional investment, not to mention the time you’ve put in.

Worse yet, they could have an abusive side that you haven’t picked up on. And, trust me, bound by the wrists and ankles and being torn up by someone who will insist you “asked for it” in a court of law is the wrong time to find that out.

In other words, play your cards tight to the vest. Know a little bit about them before you play that hand. Tipping the cards could pay off, or it could be a huge mistake.

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I hope I’ve given you some ideas and some places to start looking. This is not an overnight process; the chances of you finding a top or bottom in the next two weeks is slim. But if you don’t start now, it’ll be even longer. So begin today. Take some time to sit down and try to map out a strategy. And keep me up to date on your progress. I’d love to know what you find.

Hugs,

Deanndra

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Finding Your Dominant, Part Two

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Finding Your Dominant, Part One

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’m asked, “How do I find a Dominant?” or, “How do I tell my guy what I want?” I could easily buy that new Mustang I’ve been eyeing. Red, of course. This will be a multi-post because, quite frankly, I’m smart enough to know you wouldn’t sit and read everything that needs to be said in one sitting. That leads me to answer another question. “Isn’t there an easy, quick way to do this?” And the answer?

No.

And I’m not even going to elaborate on this, because there isn’t. Just like with most things, this isn’t an event – it’s a process, and it takes time and care. So let’s just jump in there, shall we?

No. I can tell you right now - you're probably not going to look this sexy.
Sorry. You won't have a photographer to set up the shot or a makeup artist to work with you.
Unless you're really, really into this. Then hire them all.

But beware: I’m going to stop you right here and say this clearly. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, your partner isn’t interested in your kink (and, yes, that’s what it is), and you think you’ll just find a Dominant to “meet your needs,” clear this with your partner, make sure the Dominant knows you’re married, and make sure that EVERYONE is cool with this. If not, shut this blog post down and don’t go any farther. You will wind up divorced and/or alone, or with a reputation that would keep any self-respecting Dominant from working with you. Is that what you really want?

First and foremost, you need to ask yourself some questions before you go looking for a Dominant. The biggest question is, why do you want a Dominant? Let me rephrase that: Why do you think you want a Dominant? Did you read “that popular trilogy written by a British author” and decide that’s what you want? Have you known for years that you want or even need this kind of stimulation or interaction? Do the tools and toys look like fun? Is this something that you crave? Are you just bored with the guy you’re with and your current relationship?

Second, you need to decide just what kind of relationship you want to have. Do you want a full-time Dominant/submissive relationship? A lot of people think they do, only to find that it’s next to impossible, and both parties have to be fully committed to it if so. Do you just want to dress up and play? If so, every time you have sex, or just occasionally? So are you looking for an actual Dominant, a play partner, or a love interest who will fall into this easily? (And yes, there is the possibility that you’ll find a Dominant and the two of you will fall in love. A possibility. I wouldn’t consider it a probability unless you’re up-front about that right off the bat.) Are there things you simply won’t do? Define those right away, maybe even make a list of them so your mind is very clear on those points. It may be that you’re interested in the gamut of BDSM, or you may not be. By that I mean that you may be into the sado-masochistic aspect and need the edge of pain it provides, but panic if your hands are tied or you’re blindfolded. Conversely, you may be someone who is aroused by being restrained or bound. Maybe you love being tied up, maybe even zipped into a full-body latex suit complete with full-head mask, or having your ankles bound to a spreader bar while you’re bent over with your hands cuffed around a post. There are many, many different aspects of the lifestyle to consider, even if it is a lifestyle for you, or something you just want to dabble in. These are things you need to determine before you go on this hunt. Sure, you can be clear that you’ve never experienced anything like that and you’d like to try it. If so, read on.

Third, you need to know exactly what you can tolerate. Get yourself a little flogger and try lashing yourself. Hurt too much? That’s a good thing to know about yourself. Can’t stand to have your nipples pinched? Then nipple clamps are probably not for you. Everyone has different tolerance points and things they just can’t stand. I do not like to have my feet tickled, period. It’s a mood-killer. I’m one of those people who can have their hair almost pulled out by the roots and it doesn’t bother me, but from the time he was small, my son has never liked brushing his hair – he says it hurts too much. We’re all different, so know what you can stand and what you can’t. And know if being restrained is a panic point for you. Some people are so claustrophobic that blindfolding them sets them into a spiral. Know thyself. And you may even be interested in some degree of ménage, or perhaps poly play or a poly relationship. Those present problems of their own, but we can talk about that later.

Fourth, acknowledge if this isn’t even realistic for you. Maybe you live in a small town, population eighty-three and that pair of conjoined twins down the block (no one’s ever figured out how to count them). If that’s the case, I may be able to help you down the road. Just hang in there and we’ll talk about that later.

And if you’ve already got a guy you’re head over heels in love with, how do you let him know what you’re interested in without him running for the hills? And what if you do let him know and he does head for the hills? We’ll cover that later on too. It may not be as hard as you think.

But know this up front: There is an aspect on which I won’t compromise, and that is one simple word:

SAFETY

I can’t say this often enough: This is one of those things where safety can always, always be in question. No matter how much you think you know, or how much experience this Dominant has, or whether or not you’ve got all the right toys, there is no substitute for safety. You may have a Dominant who is experienced in knot tying similar to shibari, but if he uses the wrong kind of rope, you’re going to have a problem. You can get into trouble with a lot of the things offered in the kink world if you’re not well-versed in their application or use. And there is one that’s worth mentioning.

Breath play. I may get some backlash about this, but I’ve got to say it: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I’m going to say it again: There is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. About the only way to even do breath play is with paper bags or simple holding of the breath, something that when you pass out, it stops. Otherwise, well, let’s just say that every year, dozens of people are arrested when their partner dies from what they thought would be a safe, simple round of breath play. Even physicians who are involved in the lifestyle say there is no safe way to do restrictive breath play. I do not condone it, and you won’t ever see it written about in my books. It’s just too risky.

The other obvious safety issue is actually meeting a Dominant. I’m going to give you some ideas for doing so, but they’re going to be safe. This is not something you can just trust your instincts on, or go with your gut, or whatever you want to call it. There are so many things that can go wrong during a session that safety has got to be first and foremost on everyone’s minds, and that includes just getting off on the wrong foot to begin with. Because believe me, dying will make your arousal disappear in a heartbeat, no pun intended, and the cemeteries in our country are littered with the graves of women who thought they could trust the men they were with and found out too late that they were wrong.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, let me give you a little homework before next week. You’ve just read this post, so go get yourself a tablet and a pencil, or sit down with your iPad or computer, and start thinking. Don’t try to do this in one sitting. Make some notes, walk away, and come back later, or stop by and jot them down as you walk through a room. Write out exactly why you want this, and be honest with yourself about it, bone-slashing honest. Decide what kind of relationship you want and describe it exactly as you picture it. Think about what you really want to do and make a list of the actual physical activities: Nipple torture; orgasm denial; flogging, whipping, caning; restraint, either simple (a pair of cuffs) or extreme (full-body binding of some sort for an extended period of time); electro-erotic play (TENS unit, violet wand); maybe even some of the kink that most people find disgusting (golden showers, scat play, etc.), because, yes, some people enjoy that stuff, and who are we to decide that’s wrong if they’re consenting adults? And then, decide if this is even realistic for you. Look around you – do you know anyone else who’s in the lifestyle? Have a girlfriend who has talked to you about what she and her guy do in the way of kink? Have an adult store in town where you can go and look at supplies? If the answer to all of these is “no,” you need to decide if this is important enough to need to travel for it, or possibly even move to be involved in a relationship or relationships that will offer you that.  You may decide that it’s just too inconvenient, time-consuming, or looks too impossible when you see it all on paper, but make that list of things you’d have to do to be involved with a Dominant on a serious basis, or even to find a place to play.

Get that list made and get ready. And if you think of questions you’d like for me to cover as I go along, please, send them to me. I’ll answer every one of them if I can, pass them off to someone else if I can’t, and if the answer is too personal, I’ll get in touch with you privately so as to avoid embarrassment on the part of either of us. So get to work. And find me on Facebook or email me if you need to. There’s no shame in trying to find a way to get your groove on.

Next week: Let’s try some actual steps to find a Dominant, shall we? Good – I thought you’d like that!